CUBICLE CRISIS Monologue

Monologue performed April 20, 2012 as part of ECT’s Eclectic Voices Monologues Show, “All Over Again”.

CUBICLE CRISIS
By Jeff Folschinsky

EMPLOYEE
I don’t know why they decided that we needed them but for some reason management got a bug up their butt and we got them. I’m talking about the new cubicles of course. I mean, you’re the police so I’m sure you knew that, and it’s not like it’s any big secret. It’s all that people have been bitching about for the last month but I just wanted to make sure. After all, what’s the use in going through all of this if you if don’t know the root cause of the problem.

I mean it seems kind of silly when you hear me talking about it. You’re probably thinking to yourself, they’re just cubicles, what the big deal? But you have no idea how bad of a decision this was, and it’s not like they didn’t have fair warning.

They had set up a demo unit a few months before they came in to see what everyone thought, and the decision was pretty unanimous; everyone hated them, and I do mean everyone. I’m not saying that for dramatic effect, there really wasn’t one single person that had a nice thing to say about them. Of course, instead of admitting they had a bad idea and just dropping the whole thing, management decided to put together a “blue ribbon panel” to give out a survey, so they could correctly judge people’s reaction; and guess what? People said they hated them again. I mean, it’s not enough for people to say they hate something to your face; you have to have it in writing too? And the stupid idiots still decided to get them anyway.

I don’t know what the hell was going through their heads but everyone here is pretty sure someone was getting a kick back. I know that’s not really nice thing to say with out proof but can you think of any other reason? I mean the stubbornness that was displayed by management as they went through with this stupid endeavor was truly amazing. It was like watching a german tank punch it’s way through Belgium. You saw it coming and you knew it was going to end badly for everyone, but the only thing you can think do is just get the hell out of it’s way.

That description is very apt by the way, because the day that the new cubicles arrived came with all the subtlety of a full on invasion. Fortunately they gave everyone the day off in an attempt to alleviate some of the mounting tension. Some people came in anyway with the excuse that they had forgotten something and needed pick it up. That was unfortunate for management because you better believe their camera phones came out and before you could say Facebook, well, their pictures were on Facebook. There were about a hundred comments in less than ten minutes after the pictures were posted.

One industrious person that I worked with started a “secret group” on Facebook, and invited all the employees to join so they could freely bitch about everything, without management accidentally seeing what they were writing. Which I have to say was not that flattering. Actually some of the comments were darn right scary. These people are friends so I won’t go into details but lets just put it this way. If some of management met with an accident before all this happened and you guys saw this page. We would have a hard time convincing you we didn’t have something to do with it; which I found funny. I mean sure, I was annoyed with management for what I considered just blatantly ignoring our feelings on the issue, but I certainly didn’t think it was worth getting violent over.

I obviously changed my mind later when I had to start using them. You have to understand that these things were designed to annoy the hell out of whoever was in them.

For one the walls were too low so anyone walking by could and did look into your area. I mean, it was like the inside of the cubicles were made of some substance that just force the eyes of whoever was walking by to look in. I wasn’t the only person that felt this way either, because up and down the hall, you heard a chorus of, “Hey, do you mind, hey, do you mind, hey do you mind”.

In hopes of nipping things in the bud and trying to avoid anymore complaints that they were getting. Management passed the cubicle code of conduct. First on the list, was do not look over the wall of your fellow employee’s cubicle. I don’t know what “blue ribbon committee” convinced them that would work but hopefully those blue ribbons were turned into blind folds just before that committee was shot.

I know that’s kind of harsh but considering the circumstance we find ourselves in now, it seems pretty justified. Needless to say the code of conduct was about as useful as tits on a mule. I mean, you’re fighting human nature for crying out loud. We as a species are just naturally curious.

Pamela, one of the administrative assistants that developed that minor whip lash injury is a prime example. She was turning her head back and forth as she walked down the hallway “not looking in peoples cubicles” so much that they had to send her to the chiropractor.

It got so bad that I finally decided enough was enough, and started taking action. Nothing really serious, I would just do little things. Like change my screen saver so it would display little notes. You know stuff like, “Eye’s forward, I feel you watching, and my personal favorite, I’ve had it, everyone going to die at 5:31 today”. It was really more of joke than anything, but I was surprised at how effective it was. Especially that last one, if that appeared on the computer screen, you could be sure everyone was clocking out at 5:30 on the nose.

I guess management didn’t find it as funny as a did, because I got called into my supervisors office to talk about my attitude. Of course, when I asked him to clarify why he thought I was having a bad attitude he would clam up. You see he couldn’t because then he would have to admit that he and other people were looking into my cube, thus admitting that the cubicle code of conduct was worthless.

The one thing I’ve found in a corporate setting, is management will never admit they’ve made a mistake, or one of their ideas doesn’t work. So essentially they really couldn’t do anything to me.

When I walked out of the supervisors office I noticed a curious thing. He looked around the office at the other workers and got the strangest look on his face. At the time I didn’t know what to make of it but now looking back I absolutely know what the look was. It was the look of fear.

Management had painted themselves into a corner. They had put their reputation and the company’s money on the line with this decision and everything was falling apart. All that needed to happen was for someone to pull on that thin little string that was keeping everything together and the whole thing would come apart. And potentially I was the one that just pulled on that string.

If I could get away with what management would consider inappropriate behavior, then everyone could. All that needed to happen was for that information to become public and management was toast.

Looking back now, I guess I shouldn’t of posted this information on that secret Facebook group, but hind sight is twenty, twenty they say.

It’s amazing, I would of never in the million years thought that a riot would break out that quickly, but here we are. I guess the illusion of power is better than no power at all. As poor mister Jennings found out the hard way.

By the way, kudos to your SWAT Teams response time, very impressive. I would of hated to think what would have happened if they actually did heat up that tar, and for the life of me, I have no idea where all those feathers came from in the first place. They just showed up somehow so I figured, when in rome. If you know what I mean?

Sorry, you’re right, there is a time and place for humor and this is probably not it. I’m just a little nervous right now and I tend to always want to lighten the mood with a little levity when that happens.

You have to understand, I’m not telling you these things to make excuses for what happened, but I think it’s important to know the circumstances leading up to all of this. I mean, everyone was perfectly happy with the old cubicles. No armed insurrections ever happened when those were here. Why couldn’t they leave well enough alone?

Yeah, like I said before, it sounds silly when I talk about it, but as you can clearly see, it was a really, really bad decision. Now if you don’t mind, I would like to get my one phone call now.

THE END

Brother Pete and the Multi-Level Marketing Fundraiser Monologue

BROTHER PETE
By Jeff Folschinsky

BROTHER PETE
Genesis 2, verse 2: And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made. And how did he recover from this great work which he had made you ask? Why he indulged in a Tamakeri Energy Drink that’s how.

Tamakeri Energy Drink, filled with herbs and juices from the ancient orient that revitalizes the body and the soul, oh yes, oh yes, oh yes it does. Why just ask Mr. Jacobson and his lovely wife if the Tamakeri Energy Drinks didn’t change their lives forever and he will say oh yes, oh yes, oh yes it did. Because just last week brothers and sisters, his wife has giving birth to eight healthy sons and daughters, oh yes, oh yes, oh yes she did, hallelujah. And now for the first time ever this non-FDA approved holy tonic is available here in our lovely town.

Brother Pete you’re probably asking yourself; how may I get a hold of this fine product? Well as it so happens brothers and sisters, thanks to the fine works of Mr. Johansson, Brother Pete has set himself up a little direct sale, multi-level marketing business here at this church, oh yes, oh yes, oh yes he did. So let the revitalizing miracle of Tamakeri flow forth and over take you, oh yes, oh yes, oh yes let it.

But why stop there brothers and sister? When Brother Pete would be happy to help you set you up as your own independent business owner status and provide you Tamakeri Energy Drinks at discounted prices. Where you my loving flock could then go forth and help spread the good word of Tamakeri, oh yes, oh yes, oh yes you can.

Brothers and sisters lets pass the plate and when it passes you. I ask you not to put in money but to take one of the sign up and information forms, about becoming a Tamakeri salesperson. Because brothers and sisters, Brother Pete has used all the churches funds for this new business venture, oh yes, oh yes, oh yes he did and he needs help fast. So let us all now bow our heads and prey.

Dear lord on high, hear our prayers. May Tamakeri catch on with the general public, especially in the key demographic group of eighteen to twenty eight years of age. May it also overcome the bad press it has recently received on television where that hateful reporter demonstrated some of the side effects from the continual consumption of Tamakeri Energy drinks. I think we can all recognize hack reporting when we see it, oh yes, oh yes, oh yes we can. And also may the authorities find out what happened to Mr. Johansson and his lovely family so they can be questioned about what happened to Brother Pete and the churches money, oh yes, oh yes, oh yes they can. In his name be praised, Amen.

Now let us stand and join sister Janet in singing hymn number five thirty eight, Awake, my soul, stretch every nerve. Take it away sister Janet.

THE END

EVIDENCE ITEM 2a “Transcript of Phone Message Left by Louie”.

Message Begins

LOUIE
Hey, it’s me again. I don’t mean to keep calling but I’m just worried about you, that’s all. I’m trying not to be that creepy guy that just can’t take a hint. God, I hope that’s not how you think of me. I just want to talk to you, that’s all.

I was really looking forward to your visit and when you didn’t show, I have to admit, it hurt a little. I mean I had all of your favorite dishes ready to go and everything, so yeah.

God this is awkward, I’m normally not like this but I felt like we had a real connection. You know, an unspoken bond that you’re always hearing about. Do you know what I mean? Probably not, since you’re most likely screening this call right now.

I don’t want to be that guy but I just feel like I’m owed an explanation, that’s all. I mean, I had everything ready and you just didn’t show. How is that supposed to make me feel? Not good let me tell you, not good at all. I just thought we were good after our conversation.

Was there something else that I said or did? I keep running it over and over in my head and I can’t think of anything. If there’s something new I did, I wish you would tell me, so I could fix it. I miss not seeing you on a regular basis.

I didn’t think your absence would bother me this much, especially after the things that were said that night. Which I’m willing to admit I probably over-reacted a bit, but you were a little aggressive with the accusations. You just have to understand, that’s never happened to me before and I wasn’t sure how to handle it.

Obviously mistakes were made but after running into you and discussing things, I thought everything was okay between us. I mean, it seem like a good talk. That was the impression that I got anyway. Especially after you said you would stop by tonight and give me another chance.

I can see now though, that the wounds between us are obviously more than just skin deep. I just wish you would give me a chance to make it up. If for no other reason than it would give us a sense of closure. If that’s what you want?

If it helps I can apologize again? I just feel like I’ve apologized enough and it obviously hasn’t helped. Okay fine, if you want to hear it again then here it is. I’m sorry that you and your family got food poisoning last time you were here. Does that make everything better Mr. Johnson? I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, now please call me back so we can straighten this out.

This is Louie, from Louie’s Pizzeria, as if you didn’t know and from the bottom on my heart, I’m sorry. Now, please return my phone call for crying out loud.

End of Message

Traffic Report Monologue

Monologue first performed as part of the “What’s Wrong With Wally, Sketch Radio Show”. Performed again in June 2011 as part of ECT’s Eclectic Voices monologue show, “Funny How Things Work Out”.

TRAFFIC REPORT
By Jeff Folschinsky

LARRY
Hello this is Larry your eye in the sky with this evening’s traffic report. Now I have to apologize for the lateness of this report, but it seems my car was missing this afternoon.

Most likely more activity on the part of my ex-wife, who doesn’t seem content with the house, the dog, and half my salary she’s now collecting because it seems her lawyer was just a little bit more ambitious than mine. But hey, those are the breaks I guess. But it seems now she has my car in her evil clutches.

Let me ask you this, what kind of person takes a traffic reporter’s car before he goes to work? That’s just sick. Now I’m not telling you this to get any sympathy, but if anyone finds themselves helplessly caught in traffic, because of the lateness of this report, well you know who’s to blame. The heartless ex Mrs. Skylark who lives at 335 South New Hope off the 405 in the edge wood hills.

You’re probably thinking to yourself, God! That really pisses me off! I should go over there and take some vigilante action against that woman. I plead with you not to do it. I have nothing but love in my heart for that woman. And if I can be big enough to forgive her, then so should you.

So, with that out of the way, let’s get on with the traffic. Well, the 233 is moving fairly slowly but seems to be steady when compared to the 101 which is still caught in gridlock because of an accident that the authorities are still trying to clean up off the road. Now gridlock, there’s an interesting word. Sort of sounds like wedlock only less intimidating. You would think that I really have it out for this woman, but nothing could be further from my mind.

So a route I would suggest to get out of this wedlock, Oops, I mean gridlock, would be the Beverly Grooves exit off the 101. Now this takes you a little out of the way, but it does take you through my ex wife’s scenic neighborhood. Which I might add has plenty of excellent sniping positions and a nice escape route off the 405 which seems to be moving along quite nicely.

I have also noticed a lot of loose gravel on the hills above her house, so a man made rock slide could be a real possibility. Again, this is nothing that I would suggest, but hypothetically speaking, one could do a lot of damage on his or her way home and only be delayed twenty minutes…

LARRY PUTS HIS HAND TO HIS EAR AS IF HE WAS RECEIVING SOMETHING FROM CONTROL.

Yes control, this is Larry, your eye in the sky. Ah-ha, the easy beaver called and asked when I was going to come by and pick up my car. Ah-ha, too drunk so they had to call me a cab. Ah-ha, well tell them I’ll be by after work.

ADDRESSES THE AUDIENCE AGAIN.

Well, to wrap this all up the 185 has little to no traffic so if you’re wanting to get home right away. Then that’s your best bet. So until tomorrow I’m Larry, your eye in the sky, saying happy motoring.

THE END

HIGH CRIMES Monologue

Monologue performed November 4, 2011 as part of ECT’s Eclectic Voices monologue show, “Signs From The Universe”. 

HIGH CRIMES
By Jeff Folschinsky

AT RISE: Lights come up to TRACY talking to a newspaper reporter.

TRACY
I know you’ve heard the stories but it really wasn’t my fault; really. I was just doing a science experiment for class.

We were studying hydroponics and I was suppose to grow a tomato plant. Easy enough, I have a friend of mine Jay-Man that’s into horticulture, so I borrowed the equipment from him. Jay-Man isn’t his actual name. His real name is Herbert Jabowski, but he likes to be called Jay-Man. He says it makes him sound more gangster. What ever that means? Anyway, he lets me borrow the equipment, gives me some instructions on how to set it up and gives me some tomato seeds that he just happens to have laying around. And I have to say, as science homework goes this was pretty fun. It was really interesting to watch these plants grow from a couple of little seeds.

The problem came when the plants were fully grown and I noticed they weren’t growing tomatoes. I didn’t understand, I did everything that I was suppose to do. The plant looked healthy enough, so why no tomatoes?

I took a picture of the plants and e-mailed it to Jay-Man who told me he could tell me what was going on if he saw them. I was on the phone with him when he opened the picture on his computer and knew that something was wrong when I heard him say, “oh”. Now in my life, I’ve noticed that “oh” is one of those words that have a variety of meanings, but when “oh” is followed by awkward silence, it’s never good news. Finally I couldn’t take the silence and said, “Jay-Man, what’s going on?” This was followed by more silence so I ask him again. “Jay-Man, what’s up?” Still nothing from him, so finally in my frustration I yelled out, “Hey, Herbert, what the hell is happening?” That snapped him out of it and he finally confessed that he apparently had given me not tomato seeds but marijuana seeds instead.

There was a moment of silence, well I assume it was just a moment since time had become one of those relative concepts at that point. Finally, the only thing that came out of my mouth was, what? Actually I think it came out more as, Whhhhaaaaaat?

“Yeah, I’m really embarrassed”, Herbert told me. Yes, I know I said he likes to be called Jay-Man, but this little son of a bitch just got me to turn my parents basement into an illegal grow-op, so I’m calling the jerk off by his real name. I mean good god, next week I was going to take those plants to class. Could you have imagined? I would have been mortified. Really popular with my class mates I’m sure, but mortified none-the-less.

“What the hell am I’m going to do”, I asked? Herbert, then said he would love to help but didn’t want to get involved. Something about three strikes, I don’t know. And then the little snot said someone was beeping in and he had to take it. And then all of the sudden there I was, sitting all alone, with several fully grown marijuana plants.

What the hell am I suppose to do with these things? I mean I know what people do with them but I’m just not into that. I don’t even smoke cigarettes for crying out loud. Not that I have anything against people that smoke I just never could grasp the concept of purposely putting smoke into my own lungs for any reason. I guess I’m a little bit of a prude that way. I don’t know, I guess time will tell on that one.

Anyway, I’ve got these marijuana plants that I clearly can’t turn in as my science project, so what to do? I thought about calling someone and seeing if they would take them off my hands but then paranoia kicked in. What if they turned me in? I mean, I’m not sure what this whole three strike thing is but it sounded pretty bad and I have no idea if anymore of my friends are in that same position. It seems like a pretty rude thing to just bring up in conversation. “Hey, how’s it going? Do you have three strikes and if not do you want to take some marijuana plants off my hands?” They’d probably think I was trying to set them up.

I could just throw them in the trash but that just seem like I was asking for trouble. I mean you always hear about these people getting into other peoples garbage to learn things about them. I could only imagine what they would think if they opened up our garbage and found marijuana plants in there. And lord help me if they thought it was a normal occurrence. I could just picture my father constantly having to chase people away yelling, “what the hell is wrong with you people? Get the hell out of my garbage!”

Finally I just decided the easiest thing to do was just burn them. We had a fire place and it’s just a plant right? I could just throw them in there and poof my problem is gone away. I could make up some story to my teacher and hopefully she would give me an extension so I could start from scratch. With actual tomatoes this time. I got the fire going to a healthy level. Fortunately this happened when it was cold out so a fire in the fireplace wouldn’t stand out at all. The great thing about growing something hydroponically is that there’s no soil. I just pulled up the plants from the water, let them dry out for a little bit and fed them to the primordial element of fire.

An hour later I was really thirsty for some reason. I mean really thirsty. The more I drank the dryer my mouth felt. I must of inhaled an entire jug of water in the kitchen. Also Mrs. Johnson’s bible study group next door was starting to get really rowdy. I mean really, really rowdy. Mrs. Johnson was dancing in her front yard yelling that Jesus had healed her glaucoma and another man was yelling about a wine stain in the carpet that looked just like the Virgin Mary. Also I noticed there was this squirrel in our window just staring longingly at the apple pie my mother made that afternoon. And if things weren’t getting strange enough someone came running out of Mrs. Johnson’s house yelling, “dear god, it’s the rapture!” Everyone yelled, and ran for their cars. By the time the cops showed up there was a five car pile up and I was laughing uncontrollably. There was nothing particularly funny, I just started laughing and couldn’t stop myself. Which was bad because it didn’t take them long to make their way to my door. I tried to play it cool but when I opened the door and saw them, I just started laughing again. I think it was nervous laughter this time but regardless I was doing it and couldn’t stop.

The police officer finally got nervous and took me out to his car. Not to arrest me but he had an emergency oxygen bottle out there. Apparently he was afraid I was about to pass out because of the uncontrollable laughter. After awhile the laughter stopped and the crying began as I started to tell the police the whole story. Surprisingly I didn’t get into as much trouble as I thought I would.

I got in more trouble with my parents who seem to be able to recognize the smell as soon as they came in through the front door. After I explained what happened to them. I got the lecture about responsibility and how I used bad judgment. They made me apologize to Mrs. Johnson and her bible study group. Funny, they actually seem disappointed when I told them what had happened. I think they believed something miraculous happened to them that night.

Well now Mrs. Johnson is holding her bible study meeting twice a week with a certain smell that comes from her house that seems oddly familiar, so all’s well that ends well, I guess.

That’s it really. I thought the story would just fade away but it’s taken on a life of it’s own at this point. I just figured I would at least make an attempt to get the truth out there. So as you can see, my family is not drug czars, it wasn’t a terrorist plot to take down the typical family neighborhood and it definitely wasn’t an attack on the Christian right. It was just a simple mistake. A comedy of errors if you will. The only thing that was really hurt was my science grade so lets just all get on with our lives.

Oh well, I hope that this helps your story. Now if you don’t mind I’ve got to make it to Mrs. Johnson’s bible study before all the brownies are taken. Of course, it was nice to meet you too.

THE END

 

The Trials and Tribulations of Vicky Vixen Monologue

Monologue performed November 6, 2009, at the Eclectic Company Theatre. As part of the late night serial, The Trials and Tribulations of Vicky Vixen. 

The Trials and Tribulations of Vicky Vixen

A spot comes up to reveal Vicky Vixen in the center of the stage by herself. She is addressing her Ex-Super Villain support group.

VICKY:

Hi, my name is Vicky Vixen and I’m an Evil Mastermind Super Villain.

Waits for everyone to respond.

It’s been over a year since I attempted an evil exploit.

Everybody applauds. 

Thank you, I want to add that I’m still a mastermind and have super powers; I just use them for good now. Which I have to say is rewarding. Not rewarding in the sense that I get paid, although lord knows that would be nice. You would think a little monetary consideration would be in order, considering I just stopped Newt Gingrich from destroying the city…

See’s that people are confused.

…What? Oh, no, not that Newt. I’m talking about Professor Newt Gingrich, famed half man, half salamander, all evil. You like that, huh? Yeah, well don’t be too impressed. I was the one that came up with it for him. That was back in my evil days when I dating more dubious company. And I have to say, for a genius evil mad man, I mean Sala… I mean an evil mad thing; you would think he would come up with a better plan for taking down the city than by introducing salmonella into the cities Escargot supply. Stupid moron, and a bad lay to boot. Still though, if he got away with it that would have been somewhat of a problem for Triumphant Falls. You would think a little something for the effort would be in order, but alas no, nothing. Well I can’t say nothing, because I have that warm fuzzy feeling inside from doing good, which is nice and the respect and admiration of the people. Let’s not forget the people. They love me. Well not all the people. There are still some with sore feelings from my former glory days. To which I say come on. I mean that trans-dimensional implosion device didn’t even go off and most people’s hair grew right back. Was it really necessary to key the Vixen-Mobile? Vixen-Mobile is my code name for my Honda insight. Doesn’t really have a lot under the hood but I can sleep at night because of the low carbon footprint. Which is nice, and ecologically responsible of me.

Someone snickers. Vicky squints her eyes and looks in the audience. 

Oh, up yours Beast Person. I’ve seen that piece of crap that you drive. Jerk off… (Recomposes herself) I have to admit, it’s been hard. I mean I was Vicky Vixen, fear and loathed by millions. Right? Anyway at the time I thought that I loved it but after I discovered my arch-nemesis was really my sister when our evil biological mother turned up in a mad ploy to take over the world, which ironically I had to stop. Well after that, something inside me just clicked and said this just isn’t right. I need to clean up my act and fly right. Now I have dedicated myself to good and hope one day to be loved instead of loathed. But as I said before its hard, but most great things in life are, right? (Gets lost in thought) Yeah, anyway, I’m Vicky Vixen Ex-Evil Mastermind and Super Villain and I want to thank you for you time.

Spot fades on Vicky Vixen.

Alien Season Monologue

Monologue performed September 2011, at The Eclectic Company Theatre. As part of the Eclectic Voice’s Late Night Monologue Show, “Abstract Concept’s”.

ALIEN SEASON

Lights come up to Billy Bob who addresses the audience.

BILLY BOB
When the aliens came it was the biggest darn mess you ever did see. I could hardly believe my ears when I heard it on the radio. I mean we’re use to illegal aliens down here but this was a horse of a different color all together. I mean I’m not prejudice or anything. Hell, if the aliens want to enter the country legally, and pay taxes like good Christian folk, then I have no problem with that what so ever. I’m talking about the outer space aliens and not the Mexicans of course. But coming down here in their flying saucers and trying to take over the planet. Well that just doesn’t sit right with a man of the south. No, that just doesn’t sit right at all. And obviously I wasn’t the only person that felt this way.

Aunt Gertie has this home made RGB rocket launcher that she made out of scrap metal. She says she needed it for religious purposes, but personally I think the bitch just likes blowing shit up. Anyway, she blew one of them flying saucers right out of the air. They must of not been ready for something like that because when that thing hit the ground, those green son of a guns went running every which way they could.

One of them aliens that came out of that crashed space craft, looked us straight in the eye and told us in broken English that we were one ugly mother fuckers. And then he activated some sort of cloaking device and disappeared into the background. Unfortunately for him though, Uncle Pie had baked beans and a twelve pack of the beast for lunch. And if that man can clear an entire cotton gin by getting someone to pull his finger then I don’t think being invisible is going to do that alien a whole hell of a lot of good.

And it didn’t neither, Uncle Pie and Cousin Elroy found him gasping for air a few feet from where he disappeared. Cousin Elroy who isn’t too bright in the head asked his Paw if he could keep it and then took it into a shed behind their barn. I’m not too sure what happen next but I do know one of them found religion back there. Seeing we heard the Lord’s name being call out once or twice. Don’t ask, don’t tell has always been my philosophy since the army and I didn’t see any reason to change it at that moment in time, so the less said about that the better.

The rest of the aliens tried to escape with these jet packs that they were wearing, but unfortunately for them, they decided to attack during dove season. So we had no shortage of good ol’ boys ready to fill their butts with buck shot as soon as they flew by. You almost felt sorry for them until you remember they were, well, here to take over the planet.

After that it all became relative. Not relative in the sense my kin-folk was shooting these little green bastards as if it were going out of style. Although lords knows they were, but relative in the sense that something is dependent upon external conditions for it’s specific nature, size, etc; essentially something that’s opposed to absolute. As in we were absolutely opposed to being pushed around by these little green S.O.B’s. I mean if the entire town got in an uproar about the metric system then you can just imagine how well planetary enslavement was going to go over.

You know, I really believe to this day it surprised those aliens how many rockets Aunt Gertie truly had. Like I said before, the bitch likes to blow shit up, and those flying saucers provided her with a really big target. You would of thought they would of had some type of force field protecting them but I guess that’s science fiction, even to them.

Let me tell you, it was a sight to see. Every time one them hit the ground, you heard everyone from miles away hooping and hollering. Followed by the inevitable barrage of gunfire. It really did turn into a kind of wash, rinse, repeat type situations.

Hell, my Paw was having such a good time he decided to take out his private stock. The spirits he’d been keeping tucked away in case prohibition ever came back into fashion. We cracked open a couple of jugs and had us one hell of a barbecue. It wasn’t at all what you would expect from an alien apocalypse, and just in case you’re wondering; no we were not eating the aliens. We had a couple of T-bones we took out of the deep freeze. I mean we’re not savages for crying out loud.

Everything had pretty much ended by the time the army folks showed up. You should of seen the look on their faces when they got out of their vehicles and looked around. At first it was a look of astonishment but then as they came marching up to us, it turned to a look of anger. I expected they were P.O.’d that we took matters into our own hands and kicked some booty without them. The ego can be such a fragile thing, don’t you think?

Well this general type person looked us straight in the eye and shouted, “what the hell is wrong with you people?” Now I have to say, we were a little taken back by the rudeness, inherent in his tone of voice. I mean we just stopped an alien invasion. Shouldn’t a little gratitude be in order?

It was only after he calmed down that he explained to us it wasn’t actually an alien invasion at all. This is what experts would call a first contact situation. They had apparently been flying over various parts of the planet to make contact with everyone simultaneously so as to not to start a world wide panic, which obviously did not have the desired effect they were hoping for here.

Needless to say, we were really embarrassed, and if things weren’t awkward enough, the alien that cousin Elroy was keeping turned out to be some sort of intergalactic ambassador. By the time we got him out of that shed, he didn’t look like he would ever be the same again. He sort of had this thousand mile stare and was mumbling incoherently. Although, when his friends came to pick him up he did turn to us and say a couple words that we didn’t understand but their meaning was perfectly clear.

After that they all decided to leave and let me tell you the army people had a few things to say to us. I really couldn’t make hide or hair out of what they were trying to say because they were continually shouting the whole time. Which I thought was uncalled for, because it was after all an honest mistake. I mean flying saucers were flying over our heads for crying out loud. We did what any god fearing Christians with a constitutional right to bear arms would do.

Well, for some reason they just didn’t see it that way. They gave us a good ear full and before they left they confiscated Aunt Gertie’s entire religious armory. I swear, in my entire life, I’ve never seen that woman so up and arms about anything. I of course mean arms in the figurative sense and not in the sense she had weapons. Which she didn’t because the army people took them. Which I think is kind of petty, I mean we already said we were sorry. Was it really necessary to disarm a little old lady?

Well after that, things really got jumping around here with the press showing up and all, but after awhile the next news of the week came up and they were gone. Now things have pretty much gotten back to normal. Paw and Uncle Pie hold a barbecue every year to commemorate the occasion. Aunt Gertie said she’s heard the calling and had to rearmed herself for Jesus. And cousin Elroy, well once a year he just seems to have this big ol’ smile on his simple little face.

I hear the government people have constructed a big satellite dish to try to send a message to the aliens. You know to see if they can get them to come back. I kind of hope that they’re successful, because I truly believe if we can get them to come down here and have a beer with us. Well, we would probably be laughing about the whole thing in no time at all. That’s what I believe anyway. Until then though, everyone here will keep one eye to the sky and remember to keep our safeties on. You know, just in case they come back during hunting season. Like I said before, we’re not savages.

THE END