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Alien Season Monologue

Monologue performed September 2011, at The Eclectic Company Theatre. As part of the Eclectic Voice’s Late Night Monologue Show, “Abstract Concept’s”.


Lights come up to Billy Bob who addresses the audience.

When the aliens came it was the biggest darn mess you ever did see. I could hardly believe my ears when I heard it on the radio. I mean we’re use to illegal aliens down here but this was a horse of a different color all together. I mean I’m not prejudice or anything. Hell, if the aliens want to enter the country legally, and pay taxes like good Christian folk, then I have no problem with that what so ever. I’m talking about the outer space aliens and not the Mexicans of course. But coming down here in their flying saucers and trying to take over the planet. Well that just doesn’t sit right with a man of the south. No, that just doesn’t sit right at all. And obviously I wasn’t the only person that felt this way.

Aunt Gertie has this home made RGB rocket launcher that she made out of scrap metal. She says she needed it for religious purposes, but personally I think the bitch just likes blowing shit up. Anyway, she blew one of them flying saucers right out of the air. They must of not been ready for something like that because when that thing hit the ground, those green son of a guns went running every which way they could.

One of them aliens that came out of that crashed space craft, looked us straight in the eye and told us in broken English that we were one ugly mother fuckers. And then he activated some sort of cloaking device and disappeared into the background. Unfortunately for him though, Uncle Pie had baked beans and a twelve pack of the beast for lunch. And if that man can clear an entire cotton gin by getting someone to pull his finger then I don’t think being invisible is going to do that alien a whole hell of a lot of good.

And it didn’t neither, Uncle Pie and Cousin Elroy found him gasping for air a few feet from where he disappeared. Cousin Elroy who isn’t too bright in the head asked his Paw if he could keep it and then took it into a shed behind their barn. I’m not too sure what happen next but I do know one of them found religion back there. Seeing we heard the Lord’s name being call out once or twice. Don’t ask, don’t tell has always been my philosophy since the army and I didn’t see any reason to change it at that moment in time, so the less said about that the better.

The rest of the aliens tried to escape with these jet packs that they were wearing, but unfortunately for them, they decided to attack during dove season. So we had no shortage of good ol’ boys ready to fill their butts with buck shot as soon as they flew by. You almost felt sorry for them until you remember they were, well, here to take over the planet.

After that it all became relative. Not relative in the sense my kin-folk was shooting these little green bastards as if it were going out of style. Although lords knows they were, but relative in the sense that something is dependent upon external conditions for it’s specific nature, size, etc; essentially something that’s opposed to absolute. As in we were absolutely opposed to being pushed around by these little green S.O.B’s. I mean if the entire town got in an uproar about the metric system then you can just imagine how well planetary enslavement was going to go over.

You know, I really believe to this day it surprised those aliens how many rockets Aunt Gertie truly had. Like I said before, the bitch likes to blow shit up, and those flying saucers provided her with a really big target. You would of thought they would of had some type of force field protecting them but I guess that’s science fiction, even to them.

Let me tell you, it was a sight to see. Every time one them hit the ground, you heard everyone from miles away hooping and hollering. Followed by the inevitable barrage of gunfire. It really did turn into a kind of wash, rinse, repeat type situations.

Hell, my Paw was having such a good time he decided to take out his private stock. The spirits he’d been keeping tucked away in case prohibition ever came back into fashion. We cracked open a couple of jugs and had us one hell of a barbecue. It wasn’t at all what you would expect from an alien apocalypse, and just in case you’re wondering; no we were not eating the aliens. We had a couple of T-bones we took out of the deep freeze. I mean we’re not savages for crying out loud.

Everything had pretty much ended by the time the army folks showed up. You should of seen the look on their faces when they got out of their vehicles and looked around. At first it was a look of astonishment but then as they came marching up to us, it turned to a look of anger. I expected they were P.O.’d that we took matters into our own hands and kicked some booty without them. The ego can be such a fragile thing, don’t you think?

Well this general type person looked us straight in the eye and shouted, “what the hell is wrong with you people?” Now I have to say, we were a little taken back by the rudeness, inherent in his tone of voice. I mean we just stopped an alien invasion. Shouldn’t a little gratitude be in order?

It was only after he calmed down that he explained to us it wasn’t actually an alien invasion at all. This is what experts would call a first contact situation. They had apparently been flying over various parts of the planet to make contact with everyone simultaneously so as to not to start a world wide panic, which obviously did not have the desired effect they were hoping for here.

Needless to say, we were really embarrassed, and if things weren’t awkward enough, the alien that cousin Elroy was keeping turned out to be some sort of intergalactic ambassador. By the time we got him out of that shed, he didn’t look like he would ever be the same again. He sort of had this thousand mile stare and was mumbling incoherently. Although, when his friends came to pick him up he did turn to us and say a couple words that we didn’t understand but their meaning was perfectly clear.

After that they all decided to leave and let me tell you the army people had a few things to say to us. I really couldn’t make hide or hair out of what they were trying to say because they were continually shouting the whole time. Which I thought was uncalled for, because it was after all an honest mistake. I mean flying saucers were flying over our heads for crying out loud. We did what any god fearing Christians with a constitutional right to bear arms would do.

Well, for some reason they just didn’t see it that way. They gave us a good ear full and before they left they confiscated Aunt Gertie’s entire religious armory. I swear, in my entire life, I’ve never seen that woman so up and arms about anything. I of course mean arms in the figurative sense and not in the sense she had weapons. Which she didn’t because the army people took them. Which I think is kind of petty, I mean we already said we were sorry. Was it really necessary to disarm a little old lady?

Well after that, things really got jumping around here with the press showing up and all, but after awhile the next news of the week came up and they were gone. Now things have pretty much gotten back to normal. Paw and Uncle Pie hold a barbecue every year to commemorate the occasion. Aunt Gertie said she’s heard the calling and had to rearmed herself for Jesus. And cousin Elroy, well once a year he just seems to have this big ol’ smile on his simple little face.

I hear the government people have constructed a big satellite dish to try to send a message to the aliens. You know to see if they can get them to come back. I kind of hope that they’re successful, because I truly believe if we can get them to come down here and have a beer with us. Well, we would probably be laughing about the whole thing in no time at all. That’s what I believe anyway. Until then though, everyone here will keep one eye to the sky and remember to keep our safeties on. You know, just in case they come back during hunting season. Like I said before, we’re not savages.


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