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Traffic Report Monologue

Monologue first performed as part of the “What’s Wrong With Wally, Sketch Radio Show”. Performed again in June 2011 as part of ECT’s Eclectic Voices monologue show, “Funny How Things Work Out”.

TRAFFIC REPORT
By Jeff Folschinsky

LARRY
Hello this is Larry your eye in the sky with this evening’s traffic report. Now I have to apologize for the lateness of this report, but it seems my car was missing this afternoon.

Most likely more activity on the part of my ex-wife, who doesn’t seem content with the house, the dog, and half my salary she’s now collecting because it seems her lawyer was just a little bit more ambitious than mine. But hey, those are the breaks I guess. But it seems now she has my car in her evil clutches.

Let me ask you this, what kind of person takes a traffic reporter’s car before he goes to work? That’s just sick. Now I’m not telling you this to get any sympathy, but if anyone finds themselves helplessly caught in traffic, because of the lateness of this report, well you know who’s to blame. The heartless ex Mrs. Skylark who lives at 335 South New Hope off the 405 in the edge wood hills.

You’re probably thinking to yourself, God! That really pisses me off! I should go over there and take some vigilante action against that woman. I plead with you not to do it. I have nothing but love in my heart for that woman. And if I can be big enough to forgive her, then so should you.

So, with that out of the way, let’s get on with the traffic. Well, the 233 is moving fairly slowly but seems to be steady when compared to the 101 which is still caught in gridlock because of an accident that the authorities are still trying to clean up off the road. Now gridlock, there’s an interesting word. Sort of sounds like wedlock only less intimidating. You would think that I really have it out for this woman, but nothing could be further from my mind.

So a route I would suggest to get out of this wedlock, Oops, I mean gridlock, would be the Beverly Grooves exit off the 101. Now this takes you a little out of the way, but it does take you through my ex wife’s scenic neighborhood. Which I might add has plenty of excellent sniping positions and a nice escape route off the 405 which seems to be moving along quite nicely.

I have also noticed a lot of loose gravel on the hills above her house, so a man made rock slide could be a real possibility. Again, this is nothing that I would suggest, but hypothetically speaking, one could do a lot of damage on his or her way home and only be delayed twenty minutes…

LARRY PUTS HIS HAND TO HIS EAR AS IF HE WAS RECEIVING SOMETHING FROM CONTROL.

Yes control, this is Larry, your eye in the sky. Ah-ha, the easy beaver called and asked when I was going to come by and pick up my car. Ah-ha, too drunk so they had to call me a cab. Ah-ha, well tell them I’ll be by after work.

ADDRESSES THE AUDIENCE AGAIN.

Well, to wrap this all up the 185 has little to no traffic so if you’re wanting to get home right away. Then that’s your best bet. So until tomorrow I’m Larry, your eye in the sky, saying happy motoring.

THE END

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  1. April 15, 2012 at 5:50 pm

    I like the idea of writing in the format of a traffic report. I might steal that some day.

    Thanks for sharing.

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