Archive for June, 2012



By Jeff Folschinsky

I had no choice but to de-friend them all. If I didn’t do that, then my only other choice would have been to kill every last single one of those mother-fuckers.

Now when I say mother-fuckers, I mean that in the best sense of the word. You see, I’m not actually accusing them of having inappropriate relations with their mothers, but am just using the word to stress how dire the situation had become.

And you know, looking back I probably always knew it would come to this. I mean, I was always uncomfortable with the whole friending and Facebook thing, but lately it seemed like that was the only way people liked to communicate. Plus, people became more and more insistent and before I knew it I was accepting one friend request after another without even giving it a second thought.

Plus, there’s this pressure you put on yourself about the whole thing.  I mean, think about it. Someone out there wants me to be their friend, and practically sends a personal request asking if that’s cool. If you think of it on that level, then who the hell am I to say no. Plus, what if for some bizarre reason you ran into that person. I mean, how awkward would that be?

For the most part though, it wasn’t that big of a deal. I don’t pay attention to half the crap that ends up on my wall, or timeline, or whatever the hell they’re calling it this week, so when my boyfriend’s friends asked me to become Facebook friends, it didn’t seem like that big of a deal.

I mean, prior to that, I had never really paid attention to my boyfriend’s Facebook page so it gave me an excuse to check it out, and I have to say, it was kind of fun and informative to see his life beyond our own little world.

For example I really got a kick out of reading the witty comments he and his friends made to each other, or seeing the events that he’d been attending, but the thing I loved most was seeing the beautiful pictures of his lovely children and gorgeous wife he neglected to tell me about. I mean, doesn’t that sound like a fun little discovery?

Relationship status, the one thing I guess I should have really paid attention to.

And you know what makes something like this so bad? The fact that I have absolutely no excuse; I mean none at all.

It’s not like the mother-fucker tried to hide it from me.

He didn’t make up a second Facebook page and omit details or anything like that.

No, the mother-fucker gave me his normal page, and me being the incredibly observant person that I am, I just didn’t bother to take notice of that little gem of information.

I don’t know why, like I said, I have absolutely no excuse because it was staring me right in the face; which made this whole situation even worse.

And when my friends found out and they did with almost alarming speed, because I found in situations like this. Your friends will always manage to develop clairvoyance and call you up immediately, saying stuff like.

“Hello, Claire, for some unknown reason I was compelled to call you. Tell me what’s going on so I can really make you live out this humiliation to its fullest potential. Do you have a gun in your mouth yet? You do, great, I’m in time for the good stuff.”

I love my real friends, really I do, but in a case like this, it’s like bathing in a scented bath filled with piranhas. On the surface it should be a pleasant experience but there’s that one extra element that just ruins everything.

You know, I’ve always considered myself a pretty intelligent person. How could I have not seen this?

Am I just so out of touch with the whole Facebook thing, that those types of details just escape me?

Am I not as intelligent as I thought?

Or was the sex just so good that it blinded me to the truth?

I mean, the sex was great, sure, but come on, this is pretty big stuff here. I would have thought it would have taken a little more than a couple of multiple orgasms to develop a blind spot to this kind of thing.

Then again, maybe I’m just really dense and didn’t know it?

I mean, it’s totally possible. On occasion, I have had to be hit over the head with something before I got it.

Of course I’m really not trying to think that way, because it just depresses the hell out of me, and besides, I’m not the enemy here. He’s the enemy, or more specifically, they’re the enemy.

You would have thought with all of those Facebook “friends” out there, that one of them would have clued me in. I mean no one had the common decency to say, “Hey, Claire, you totally realize you’re the other woman don’t you?”

Some friends they turned out to be.

I mean, I get it, really I do. They knew him first, and nobody really wants to be the bearer of bad news.

But couldn’t they have at least dropped a hint? Like an offhand comment that would have gotten me thinking? Or even some lewd remark that would have made me realize I was missing some vital detail. Yeah, any of those things would have probably done the trick?

I mean for crying out loud. I got nothing from these mother-fuckers!

Again I’m not accusing any one of having an Oedipus complex. I’m just trying to emphasize my emotional state here.

I’m sure that my choice of words is completely inappropriate, but it just seems to be the only way I’m able to verbalize this situation.

I mean, can you think of a better word?

I guess, I could say cluster-fuck but it just doesn’t seem to capture the true essence of what I was feeling.

Mother-fucker seems to sum everything up quite nicely.

And these mother-fuckers who were supposedly my friends just let me go on thinking that this mother-fucker I was dating, was the mother-fucking bee’s knees.

No, I’m pretty sure that cluster-fuck doesn’t capture the true essence of what I was feeling. So, I’m sorry if anyone is offended by my use of the word mother-fucker, but all of you mother-fuckers can just get over it, because that’s just the way it is.

But anyway, I digress.

Where was I now?

Oh yes, the mother-fucker and his mother-fucking friends.

Well anyway, needless to say, I was a little surprised by all of this.

And when confronted, this mother-fucker didn’t even have the common decency to try to hide it.

No, he was completely honest with me. Which you would have thought in spite of everything would have been kind of refreshing, but considering I was feeling like a complete idiot for letting this happen in the first place. I didn’t really want honesty. I wanted a good cover story, so I could walk away with some shred of self-respect, but no not even that.

No excuse that I could provide everyone like, he and his wife were separated, or there’s been problems with his marriage for years, or even it was a heat of the moment type thing and he just didn’t know how to tell me the truth.

No, nothing like that.

All he gave me was, “Hey that’s just the way I roll babe. I thought you knew?”

What the hell am I supposed to do with that?

Not only do I have to tell all my friends that I fell for a mother-fucker but I have to tell them that I fell for a mother-fucking asshole!

Can you think of anything more embarrassing?

Needless to say the relationship didn’t work out. Which would have been fine in of itself, but every time I got on Facebook I had to be reminded of this dark episode in my life, because all of his mother-fucking friends would be posting crap nonstop.

It wasn’t anything about me thank heavens, but just little everyday stuff. I mean it was innocent enough, but it just reminded me of what a complete idiot I had been and I just didn’t need that in my life.

So for a while I just stop using my Facebook account all together. Which was really fine with me, but like I said before it just seems to be the only way people communicate these days, so obviously that solution was becoming problematic.

So I got back on to my account and as unpleasant as the thought was, I took a friends advice and started de-friending people. I really wish Facebook would have chosen different wording for this kind of thing. I mean de-friending just sounds like I’m a complete jerk; doesn’t it?

I mean, when I deleted the first person from my account. I felt like I needed to get in contact with them and explain the situation.

I didn’t of course, because if it didn’t feel awkward before, it sure as hell would have then.

I just bit the bullet as my father would say and went through my account deleting my so called friends one at a time. But you know what? A strange thing happened as I was going through all of this. After a while, I started to feel better.

I mean the embarrassment and sense of betrayal was still there, but somehow it felt as if a weight was being lifted from me. I was purging this ugly chapter out of my life, one de-friending at a time. It really did become kind of a cathartic experience. By the time I got to the last of his friends I was absolutely giddy.

Unfortunately a few of his friends must have caught on, because to my surprise, I got friend requests from them again. This time around though, I had no problem saying no way.

It wasn’t anything personal against them. I’m sure they would have been lovely people if I had gotten to know them, but if this whole episode has made me realize anything. Is that I didn’t need thousands or even hundreds of friends. I was, and am still happy with the few friends I do have; in life, and in the virtual world.

Besides, if you think about it, it’s not really healthy to have too many mother-fuckers in your life, now is it?



Constantine, Acting Teacher to the Little Stars!

By Jeff Folschinsky

Yes, of course I’m familiar with the family, but more importantly I’m familiar with the talents of their young daughter Maggie. Whom I was honored with the tasked of mentoring, as she started her journey into the world of the theatrical arts, here at Lincoln Elementary.

It was a pity about the family’s disappearance, because I had young Maggie in mind for the key role in my theatrical re-interpretation of that lovable song, Jimmy Crack Corn. Where our hero Jimmy takes an epic journey and finds out at the end he indeed does care that he cracked that corn. Also he finds out that he’s really a woman living in a man’s body, well at least he did for the first couple of shows. Until that cruel pack of jackal’s known as the PTA forced me to change it.

It really was too bad though, little Maggie would have killed in that part, but alas it was just not meant to be. Such a pity, because she was such a rare talent and as it turned out, we had several high school drama teachers’ from the local arts magnet school at those initial performances. Who knows where her acting career might have ended up if things turned out differently?

It makes me wonder if she and her family didn’t run into a little foul play. The theatrical arts are a noble profession but can be quite cruel at times. Competition for leading roles can be somewhat medieval when the children are trying out for parts, and the parents are worse than the children at times. Why I once had a young mother that shall remain nameless offer to do a certain act backstage so her daughter would get the leading role in our Thanksgiving Day pageant. I accepted the offer of course but only gave her atrocious looking daughter the part of pilgrim number three. I figured the earlier these people find out how cruel this profession can truly be the better for everyone. After all, it should be an educational experience for the parents too. Plus, I never play favorites, or at least I try not to.

With little Maggie though it was different. Everybody could see she had leading lady written all over her, especially me. I couldn’t help but show her a little extra attention to polish that diamond in the rough, that was her emerging talent.

I could sense the jealousy with the other students and their parents though, but never in my wildest dream would I imagined that the parents of this fair community capable of harming that beautiful family. That’s the type of behavior I would only expect from the sports boosters and debate club, but then again, you never can tell with some people.

I mean, I obviously don’t know what happened to the them but I’ve seen people do crazy things in the name of their children. For example if my backstage could talk I would be in some serious trouble with a lot of the husbands around here.

But seriously, I’m sure there’s a logical explanation for what happened to them. Hopefully it will be something like a surprise vacation that they took. I say that for purely selfish reasons. I’m in the middle of trying to put together my new season and the pickings are rather slim in the talent department. Nothing would please me more than to find little Maggie’s star studded smile waiting for me in my class room next semester.

You never know, stranger things have happened in this business that we call show.