Archive for September, 2012

Madam Lydia Monologue (Part 3)

September 30, 2012 Leave a comment

By Jeff Folschinsky

Madam Lydia, as played by the very talented Taylor Ashbrook.

Great spirits from beyond, hear me calling?

(Sits there for a second waiting for something to happen.)

Bring me the answers from the great beyond.

(Waits again for something to happen.)

Ah, Come on, what’s wrong with you stupid spirits? I’m sorry, I know you’re not stupid but this is really embarrassing. It’s the price hike isn’t it? We’ve had this conversation before, it’s not like I have a choice. This economy is killing me. Besides, it not like you still need the money and your relatives don’t seem to mind. I mean, it’s not like they would’ve gotten anything if I didn’t pass along the information you gave me. Okay, yes I know it’s wrong to exploit my gift like that but a ladies got to make a living you know. Hello? Hello?

(To the Young Lady.)

Sorry, I’m still having trouble getting in contact with the spirits. They’re still not feeling very chatty for some reason. Which is funny, because when I don’t want them around they’re non-stop chatter boxes, but as soon as I need them, nothing. Which is really pissing me off because they’re breaking the rules. You see, when you make a deal with a spirit, as long as you hold up your end, they have to honor the conditions of that deal. I don’t know, it’s like some sort of cosmic rule, or something that prevents them from going back on their word in the afterlife.

(Looks up in the air as if addressing the spirits.)

So I’m a little confused on what the hell is going on here.

(To the Young Lady.)

Sorry, as you can tell I’m a little agitated right now, but can you blame me? I give these spirits my all; that’s just the way I am. I never do anything half way, and it’s not like I expect too much from them in return, besides just a little common courtesy.

(Looking up in the air again as if addressing the spirits.)

Like telling me you were all going to take the day off today. I mean come on, how is a person suppose to anticipate something like that. Especially since it’s never happened before, like ever.

(To the Young Lady)

I hope they’re okay.

(To the spirits)

Is that it? Has something bad happened to you? I mean I’m sort of jumping to some scarey conclusions here. I mean, you’re all dead, so if you’re scared of something. What does that mean for the rest of us? Hello? Hello?  Fine, if you don’t want to talk to me, then I don’t want to talk to you either. Two can play this game. I’ll just sit here and not say a word. Nope, not a single word. I’ll just sit here all alone with nothing but me, myself and all these people staring at me and say nothing.

(To the Young Lady)

God, this is so pathetic. I’ve resorted to the kind of things that my nephew Pete does when I bail him out of jail. Yes, I know I said I wasn’t going to talk but I meant to them, not you.

(To the spirits.)

Just to clarify, I’m still not talking to you. I’m just talking to this nice lady, and this is not communication between us right now, just clarification.

(To the Young Lady)

I mean, obviously I have to talk to you. It’s not like you did anything wrong. I mean it’s not like you made my life a living hell for years. You didn’t cause people to look at you as if you were crazy, because they saw what looked like you constantly talking to yourself. You didn’t cause your parents to take you out of high school only to have you committed to an institution, because they thought you were going crazy. No, you didn’t do any of those things so why shouldn’t I talk to you? You’ve done nothing wrong, just like me.

(To the spirits)

Do you hear that? I’ve done nothing wrong. I don’t deserve this you dead bastards, I didn’t do anything wrong. Do you hear me? Well, do you? Why won’t you talk to me?

(To the Young Lady.)

I’m sorry this highly unprofessional of me. I’m normally not like this, really I’m not. Do you mind if I take a quick break? I just need a few moments to collect myself. Thanks.

(MADAM LYDIA leaves the stage.)


Monologue performed June 1, 2012 as part of ECT’s Eclectic Voices Show, “The Theory of Silence”. Madam Lydia was played by Taylor Ashbrook.

Click Here to Hear Performance


Madam Lydia Monologue (Part 2)

September 16, 2012 Leave a comment

Madam Lydia, as played by the very talented Taylor Ashbrook.

By Jeff Folschinsky

Outside of the Police Station, MADAM LYDIA is trying to smoke a cigarette, but can’t seem to get it lite for some reason.

(Madam Lydia starts coughing)

I really do need to quit. I don’t even enjoy it to be honest with you. I think it’s just an unconscious habit at this point in my life. Something that I’ve done so many times in the past that my body feels lost without it. Which is funny because my mind consciously hates it. It’s like I’ve set up two warring faction in me and frankly, my body is kicking my minds butt. I think it’s because it’s infinitely more devious than the mind.

For example, half the time I don’t even realize I’m smoking until I’m already doing it. It’s like the mind keeps telling the body it’s in charge but as soon as the mind looks away the body does whatever the hell it wants.

I’ve been thinking of taking up crocheting, just so my hands have something to do. I’m hoping it might fool the body into behaving itself? It’s like the old saying goes; idle hands are the devils workshop. My only worry is that I’ll end up with a crap load of sweaters lying around. I could give them out as gifts I guess, but how many times can you give someone a sweater before you start becoming known as the weird sweater lady? As opposed to the weird lady who talks with spirits. Yes I know, no matter what, I’ll always be seen as an odd duck. If I had the choice though, I guess I would prefer to be known as the weird spirit lady. I guess it’s because I’m use to it and besides, being known as the weird sweater lady just seems odd to me. I don’t know why, it just doesn’t seem as pleasant for some reason. Eh, different strokes for different folks I guess.

They didn’t send you out here for me, did they? Good, then I can finish this one off. Hey, wastes not, want not, and besides as much as it pains me to say it, I think both my body and mind needs this little bastard right now.

(Tries to lite the cigarette again but still is having problems. As she’s trying to lite the cigarette she starts singing “Walking after Midnight”.)

I go out walking, after midnight… Sorry, I always sing that song when I’m nervous. I think it’s because I consider Patsy Cline a religious icon in my life. Would you believe that her spirit was the one that taught me the words to that song? No kidding, just showed up one day and taught me the words. Said it would help me whenever I was feeling down.

God, I could use her right now but I haven’t heard from her in ages. Right now, she’s like all the other spirits, oddly quiet and I have to say it’s a little disconcerting to be honest with you. Which is odd because you would think I would revel in the silence, but it just doesn’t seem right for some reason?

It’s like when I was growing up and sharing a room with my sister who snored; like every night. I don’t know how I ever got to sleep but somehow I did. Years later when I finally got my own room, you’ll never guess what happened? I all of the sudden developed a bad case of insomnia. No kidding, I mean, I couldn’t sleep at all. It was like as bad and annoying as the noise was; I had become so use to it that I had trouble living without it; strange huh?

Well, I finally had to borrow my father’s cassette recorder and record my sister snoring, and played it back while I slept. It worked too, believe it or not? Eventually it got to the point where I didn’t need it anymore. Somehow though, I don’t think the solution to this is going to be quite that easy. I don’t know why I get that feeling, but something about this whole thing seems off for some reason. I’ve never seen the spirits act so funny.

Even that spirit that lives in the Johnson’s house is nowhere to be found. And normally, you can’t get that guy to shut up. He’s always on about one thing or another. You know that as well as anyone since you had me do that session at the Johnson’s house a few weeks ago. Two hours of channeling that guy bitching about how everyone is blaming him and how he didn’t have anything to do with it. Thank god your recorder ran out of power or we would probably still be there. I figured if anyone from the other side would be talking to me it would be that guy, but even he seems to be hiding out somewhere.

It’s like the spirits all just decided to stay home today. Like they knew there was something about this day and it was just better off to stay in bed. Which is fine by me, I just wish they would have given me a little heads up, that’s all.

I mean, here I am with you and the police and nothing to show for it. It’s kind of embarrassing, to be honest. Like getting strep throat right before you’re suppose to sing in front of a big audience. I mean, there’s nothing I can do about it and no way I could have predicted it, but it’s still embarrassing none-the-less. Oh well, nothing to do now but just give it the old college try. Unfortunately, I didn’t go to college so they’re going to have to settle for the old high school try, and who knows, the spirits might be feeling more chatty now. Here’s hoping, anyway, we should get back in there before the boys in blue start getting antsy.

(MADAM LYDIA starts coughing as she leaves.)

Damn it, I really hate theses things.

(MADAM LYDIA throws the unlit cigarette away.)


Monologue performed June 1, 2012 as part of ECT’s Eclectic Voices Show, “The Theory of Silence”. Madam Lydia was played by Taylor Ashbrook.

Click Here to Hear Performance.

Madam Lydia (Part 1)

September 2, 2012 Leave a comment

By Jeff Folschinsky

Madam Lydia, as played by the very talented Taylor Ashbrook.

Great spirits from beyond, hear me calling.

(Madam Lydia starts coughing.)

Bring me the answers from the great beyond.

(Madam Lydia starts coughing again.)

Crap, I’ve got to stop smoking.  I had stopped for about five years, believe it or not. Then last week I was at a party and someone offered me one, and then all of the sudden I was puffing away like I never stopped. I think it’s the stress of the job that’s getting to me. Speaking to the spirits use to be a whole lot more easy. I’ve noticed since I’ve raised my prices that it’s gotten harder. I don’t know if it’s because I’m putting more pressure on myself to perform, or the spirits think I’m getting greedy.

I remember when I first got this gift, I was all about helping the decease find peace and moving on free of charge. Which really gave me a warm fuzzy feeling, but that was when it was just once in a while. I guess word got around and before I knew it, I’ve got one dead jerk after another chattering away in my ear twenty four seven. Sorry, let me take that back, they’re not jerks. Except for the whole dead thing, most of them are really enjoyable to be around. Every once in a while you get some spirit that thinks they’re god’s gift to the great beyond but I can usually just tune them out.

The problem is when you have such of large volume of spirits looking for help it’s hard to do anything else. I mean, it’s kind of hard to hold down a job with voices constantly chattering away in your ear. So finally I was like okay everyone, if you want my help then I need a little something in return. After all, I have to make a living.

I know what you’re thinking. That look on your face says it all. You’re thinking, Lydia, they’re ghosts; how the hell can they pay for anything? To which I say; you’d be surprised.

The thing about dying, is it always catches you with your pants down. I mean even when you know it’s coming, it manages to get you when you’re least ready for it. Nine times out of ten people are still in their denial phase when old man time comes a knocking. So as you can imagine their financial affairs are nowhere near being in order. That’s where I come in. For a finder’s fee I help them relay to their love ones information that they need. Account numbers and passcodes to bank accounts, you know, that kind of stuff. If a ghost doesn’t have any money I usually do a favor for a favor kind of situation. That’s how I can help out the police like I’m trying to do now. A ghost owes me a favor, I call in that favor and they get me the answers I’m looking for, usually.

Lately the spirits are becoming less enthusiastic about our arrangement, especially since I’ve raised my prices. I keep telling them, hey, it’s not like a have a choice with the economy being the way it is, but they don’t see it that way for some reason. I think it’s because they don’t have any financial responsibilities anymore. Which is great for them but I still have to make rent.

By the way, did it seem like the boys in blue in there were cool with my new fee? When I mentioned it everybody just nodded their heads up and down like they were a bunch of bobble-heads. I’m not saying that to be derogatory, I just want to make sure I have an understanding with them. Not that they’re untrustworthy but with the government being what it is now and days, you can’t be too careful.

All I’m saying is it doesn’t hurt to make sure that everybody’s clear on the issue at hand. Like, am I going to get paid? You think so, great, so who did they say these people were again? No I shouldn’t know that. I’m not a psychic for crying out loud, I’m a medium. Yes, there is a difference. I talk with spirits from the great beyond and psychics- Well, I’m not really sure what they do to be honest. I don’t really hang out with psychics since they give me the creeps. Well maybe that is the pot calling the kettle black but that’s just the way I feel okay?

Anyway the point I’m trying to make is that I have to know what to ask the spirits if you want any kind of cohesive answers. It’s not like I can play twenty questions with them. Especially since these people have been missing for what seems like forever. I can only push that favor they owe me so far you know.

I guess the police are officially becoming desperate. I know this because I’m here. They only call me in when they start getting desperate. I always tell them that I can be of more help if they call me in earlier but they never seem to do it. Oh well, better late than never I guess. Okay then, so what’s their name, the Johnson’s? Okay, well let’s get started then. Great spirits from-

(Madam Lydia starts coughing again.)

Something must be up with the air quality in here. I’m going to take a quick fifteen so I can grab a smoke. Tell everyone not to worry, I’ll be back in a jiff.

(MADAM LYDIA is coughing as she exits.)


Monologue performed June 1, 2012 as part of ECT’s Eclectic Voices Show, “The Theory of Silence”. Madam Lydia was played by Taylor Ashbrook.

Click Here To Hear Performance.