Home > Theatre > Madam Lydia (Part 1)

Madam Lydia (Part 1)

By Jeff Folschinsky

Madam Lydia, as played by the very talented Taylor Ashbrook.

Great spirits from beyond, hear me calling.

(Madam Lydia starts coughing.)

Bring me the answers from the great beyond.

(Madam Lydia starts coughing again.)

Crap, I’ve got to stop smoking.  I had stopped for about five years, believe it or not. Then last week I was at a party and someone offered me one, and then all of the sudden I was puffing away like I never stopped. I think it’s the stress of the job that’s getting to me. Speaking to the spirits use to be a whole lot more easy. I’ve noticed since I’ve raised my prices that it’s gotten harder. I don’t know if it’s because I’m putting more pressure on myself to perform, or the spirits think I’m getting greedy.

I remember when I first got this gift, I was all about helping the decease find peace and moving on free of charge. Which really gave me a warm fuzzy feeling, but that was when it was just once in a while. I guess word got around and before I knew it, I’ve got one dead jerk after another chattering away in my ear twenty four seven. Sorry, let me take that back, they’re not jerks. Except for the whole dead thing, most of them are really enjoyable to be around. Every once in a while you get some spirit that thinks they’re god’s gift to the great beyond but I can usually just tune them out.

The problem is when you have such of large volume of spirits looking for help it’s hard to do anything else. I mean, it’s kind of hard to hold down a job with voices constantly chattering away in your ear. So finally I was like okay everyone, if you want my help then I need a little something in return. After all, I have to make a living.

I know what you’re thinking. That look on your face says it all. You’re thinking, Lydia, they’re ghosts; how the hell can they pay for anything? To which I say; you’d be surprised.

The thing about dying, is it always catches you with your pants down. I mean even when you know it’s coming, it manages to get you when you’re least ready for it. Nine times out of ten people are still in their denial phase when old man time comes a knocking. So as you can imagine their financial affairs are nowhere near being in order. That’s where I come in. For a finder’s fee I help them relay to their love ones information that they need. Account numbers and passcodes to bank accounts, you know, that kind of stuff. If a ghost doesn’t have any money I usually do a favor for a favor kind of situation. That’s how I can help out the police like I’m trying to do now. A ghost owes me a favor, I call in that favor and they get me the answers I’m looking for, usually.

Lately the spirits are becoming less enthusiastic about our arrangement, especially since I’ve raised my prices. I keep telling them, hey, it’s not like a have a choice with the economy being the way it is, but they don’t see it that way for some reason. I think it’s because they don’t have any financial responsibilities anymore. Which is great for them but I still have to make rent.

By the way, did it seem like the boys in blue in there were cool with my new fee? When I mentioned it everybody just nodded their heads up and down like they were a bunch of bobble-heads. I’m not saying that to be derogatory, I just want to make sure I have an understanding with them. Not that they’re untrustworthy but with the government being what it is now and days, you can’t be too careful.

All I’m saying is it doesn’t hurt to make sure that everybody’s clear on the issue at hand. Like, am I going to get paid? You think so, great, so who did they say these people were again? No I shouldn’t know that. I’m not a psychic for crying out loud, I’m a medium. Yes, there is a difference. I talk with spirits from the great beyond and psychics- Well, I’m not really sure what they do to be honest. I don’t really hang out with psychics since they give me the creeps. Well maybe that is the pot calling the kettle black but that’s just the way I feel okay?

Anyway the point I’m trying to make is that I have to know what to ask the spirits if you want any kind of cohesive answers. It’s not like I can play twenty questions with them. Especially since these people have been missing for what seems like forever. I can only push that favor they owe me so far you know.

I guess the police are officially becoming desperate. I know this because I’m here. They only call me in when they start getting desperate. I always tell them that I can be of more help if they call me in earlier but they never seem to do it. Oh well, better late than never I guess. Okay then, so what’s their name, the Johnson’s? Okay, well let’s get started then. Great spirits from-

(Madam Lydia starts coughing again.)

Something must be up with the air quality in here. I’m going to take a quick fifteen so I can grab a smoke. Tell everyone not to worry, I’ll be back in a jiff.

(MADAM LYDIA is coughing as she exits.)


Monologue performed June 1, 2012 as part of ECT’s Eclectic Voices Show, “The Theory of Silence”. Madam Lydia was played by Taylor Ashbrook.

Click Here To Hear Performance.

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