Home > Theatre > Madam Lydia Monologue (Part 2)

Madam Lydia Monologue (Part 2)

Madam Lydia, as played by the very talented Taylor Ashbrook.

By Jeff Folschinsky

Outside of the Police Station, MADAM LYDIA is trying to smoke a cigarette, but can’t seem to get it lite for some reason.

(Madam Lydia starts coughing)

I really do need to quit. I don’t even enjoy it to be honest with you. I think it’s just an unconscious habit at this point in my life. Something that I’ve done so many times in the past that my body feels lost without it. Which is funny because my mind consciously hates it. It’s like I’ve set up two warring faction in me and frankly, my body is kicking my minds butt. I think it’s because it’s infinitely more devious than the mind.

For example, half the time I don’t even realize I’m smoking until I’m already doing it. It’s like the mind keeps telling the body it’s in charge but as soon as the mind looks away the body does whatever the hell it wants.

I’ve been thinking of taking up crocheting, just so my hands have something to do. I’m hoping it might fool the body into behaving itself? It’s like the old saying goes; idle hands are the devils workshop. My only worry is that I’ll end up with a crap load of sweaters lying around. I could give them out as gifts I guess, but how many times can you give someone a sweater before you start becoming known as the weird sweater lady? As opposed to the weird lady who talks with spirits. Yes I know, no matter what, I’ll always be seen as an odd duck. If I had the choice though, I guess I would prefer to be known as the weird spirit lady. I guess it’s because I’m use to it and besides, being known as the weird sweater lady just seems odd to me. I don’t know why, it just doesn’t seem as pleasant for some reason. Eh, different strokes for different folks I guess.

They didn’t send you out here for me, did they? Good, then I can finish this one off. Hey, wastes not, want not, and besides as much as it pains me to say it, I think both my body and mind needs this little bastard right now.

(Tries to lite the cigarette again but still is having problems. As she’s trying to lite the cigarette she starts singing “Walking after Midnight”.)

I go out walking, after midnight… Sorry, I always sing that song when I’m nervous. I think it’s because I consider Patsy Cline a religious icon in my life. Would you believe that her spirit was the one that taught me the words to that song? No kidding, just showed up one day and taught me the words. Said it would help me whenever I was feeling down.

God, I could use her right now but I haven’t heard from her in ages. Right now, she’s like all the other spirits, oddly quiet and I have to say it’s a little disconcerting to be honest with you. Which is odd because you would think I would revel in the silence, but it just doesn’t seem right for some reason?

It’s like when I was growing up and sharing a room with my sister who snored; like every night. I don’t know how I ever got to sleep but somehow I did. Years later when I finally got my own room, you’ll never guess what happened? I all of the sudden developed a bad case of insomnia. No kidding, I mean, I couldn’t sleep at all. It was like as bad and annoying as the noise was; I had become so use to it that I had trouble living without it; strange huh?

Well, I finally had to borrow my father’s cassette recorder and record my sister snoring, and played it back while I slept. It worked too, believe it or not? Eventually it got to the point where I didn’t need it anymore. Somehow though, I don’t think the solution to this is going to be quite that easy. I don’t know why I get that feeling, but something about this whole thing seems off for some reason. I’ve never seen the spirits act so funny.

Even that spirit that lives in the Johnson’s house is nowhere to be found. And normally, you can’t get that guy to shut up. He’s always on about one thing or another. You know that as well as anyone since you had me do that session at the Johnson’s house a few weeks ago. Two hours of channeling that guy bitching about how everyone is blaming him and how he didn’t have anything to do with it. Thank god your recorder ran out of power or we would probably still be there. I figured if anyone from the other side would be talking to me it would be that guy, but even he seems to be hiding out somewhere.

It’s like the spirits all just decided to stay home today. Like they knew there was something about this day and it was just better off to stay in bed. Which is fine by me, I just wish they would have given me a little heads up, that’s all.

I mean, here I am with you and the police and nothing to show for it. It’s kind of embarrassing, to be honest. Like getting strep throat right before you’re suppose to sing in front of a big audience. I mean, there’s nothing I can do about it and no way I could have predicted it, but it’s still embarrassing none-the-less. Oh well, nothing to do now but just give it the old college try. Unfortunately, I didn’t go to college so they’re going to have to settle for the old high school try, and who knows, the spirits might be feeling more chatty now. Here’s hoping, anyway, we should get back in there before the boys in blue start getting antsy.

(MADAM LYDIA starts coughing as she leaves.)

Damn it, I really hate theses things.

(MADAM LYDIA throws the unlit cigarette away.)


Monologue performed June 1, 2012 as part of ECT’s Eclectic Voices Show, “The Theory of Silence”. Madam Lydia was played by Taylor Ashbrook.

Click Here to Hear Performance.

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