Archive for October, 2012

Law and Order Appreciation Day

October 26, 2012 Leave a comment

Law and Order Appreciation Day
By Jeff Folschinsky

This year for Law and Order Appreciation Day I bought a Remington 12 Gauge automatic shotgun. It has a motion sensor rigged to the trigger and I have it pointed at the front door. Ready to blow whoever walks through it to kingdom come.

Extreme you think?

Maybe, but after last year, I’m not taking any chances.

This day use to be a lot more civilized. One day of lawless disorder to make us appreciate the other three hundred and sixty four days out of the year we did have things under control.

I mean, how can something like that get misconstrued?

I don’t know, I can understand the occasional fist and knife fight, but when homemade high explosives and bad intensions start becoming a yearly tradition. Well, then it’s time for everyone to start rethinking the whole thing.

I mean I can understand why this day came into being with everything going to a hell in a hand basket. We had turned into a such a litigious society that the courts and laws had become meaningless.

Why my Aunt Jenny was successfully sued by the man robbing her house, because he burnt his hand on her slow cooker.

Can you believe that? I mean that’s just not right.

The woman was just making some red beans and rice for her church function the next day, and some a-hole comes along and takes away her life savings because he wasn’t paying attention to where he put his hand.

I guess with enough of those stories going around, this day made a lot of sense to everyone.

Especially when that drunken congressman brought up the idea on the evening news.

I remember it like it was yesterday. Camera’s pointed at him while he yelled out, “the problem is that we as a society don’t have any respect for the laws anymore. If we did away with them for one day and let everyone do whatever the hell they wanted. Then I’m sure everyone would find a new found respect for Law and Order the rest of the year”.

Most people thought it was funny and I personally got a really good chuckle out of it, but a lot of people took his drunken rantings serious.

Letters and phone calls started flooding capital hill saying that this man was on to something. Why hasn’t anyone thought of this before?

So politicians did what they did best in a situation like that. They ran with it.

It seem like everyone of those gas bags were tripping over each other trying to be the first one to submit their bill. I’m sure they all thought they would grab some headlines and that would be the end of it. I’m sure it never occurred to them in their wildest dreams it would actually pass into law.

I would of loved to seen the look on their faces when it did.

Why, I’m sure every one of them thought they were the only one’s voting yes. Probably thought it would give them credit as some maverick renegade politician type trying to shake things up in Washington.

Well, they shook things up alright.

When the first Law and Order Appreciation Day came. There were a record number of road rage cases and I would say there were fair amount of riots too, but since there wasn’t any Law Enforcement that day. I don’t think you can technically call it a riot with nothing to riot against. I think that’s just plain old vandalism?

Which I believe took the fun out of it for a lot of people. Since the next year those numbers dropped considerably.

And that’s the strangest thing of all.

As ridiculous and irresponsible as the whole thing sounded; it worked.

Everyone noticed a considerable drop in crime for the rest of the year, and if you were taking someone to court. You bet, you were damn well sure you were in the right. Since once a year the person you were suing could legally come after you with a flame thrower.

I mean something like that really makes you think twice before filing a frivolous lawsuit.

It seem to solve so many problems we were having and I hate to be that person whose always complaining, but lately it seems like things are getting out of control.

Now, I’m a grow man, so I can deal with the no-holds-barred mixed gender fight clubs that seem to pop up every year. The full contact scavenger hunts are annoying, but what am I going to do about it? And I’m not one for blasphemy, but the yearly tradition of dressing the statue of jesus in front of the local Baptist church up as a drag queen. Well that really makes me laugh.

All these things are fine and I kind of look forward to them in a weird perverse kind of way.

It’s the breaking and entering and terrorizing families just because people wanted to know what it felt like. Or the people walking out into the middle of the street, challenging their neighbors to a full on duel for some imagined offense. Or the roaming pack of teenagers with out-of-control hormones walking the streets without anything restraining them. Those are the things that really have me concern.

I don’t know, maybe I’m making a mountain out of a mole hill? I mean sure, I could go outside and shoot out and knee cap or two and get into the spirit of things. Instead of always complaining about it but I just don’t think I’m that kind of person. At least I like to think so. I guess you never know until you’re put yourself into that situation.

Maybe that’s the hidden meaning behind this day? Finding out what we’re truly capable of, and seeing how far all of us have evolved as human beings.

God, I hope not.

I mean, how depressing is that? To think everybody has that much wickedness in them, just waiting to come out. Maybe instead of Law and Order Appreciation Day, we should call it Purging Day, because it seems like that’s what happens. The entire country purges itself from what’s building up inside of it.

Regardless, I try to be a good person three hundred and sixty five days out of the year. That’s why I’m in my home, sitting in my rocking chair, behind all these home made booby traps. I figured I’d just put out some warning signs and let fate take it’s course.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. That’s just me passively joining in on what I am complaining about, and you might be right. But at the end of the day at least I can sleep at night, and that’s got to count for something. As far as meaning goes, I guess that’s probably the best we can hope for out of something like Law and Order Appreciation day. Just being able to live with ourselves three hundred and sixty five days out of the year.

Then again, maybe it’s just a chance to blow something up? I don’t know, to each their own I guess.



Madam Lydia (Part 4)

October 12, 2012 Leave a comment

By Jeff Folschinsky

Madam Lydia, as played by the very talented Taylor Ashbrook.

MADAM LYDIA is walking across the stage talking to herself.

Great spirits from beyond, can you hear me calling? No? Well, if you’re there, I just wanted you to know that I’m not mad anymore. Not that you care, I just wanted you to know what ever is going on, we’re good. I’m sure you have your reasons. I guess we all have our reasons for wanting to disappear. Lord knows, I do.

(Notices that the reporter has found her)

Oh, you caught up with me did ya? Sorry, I know it’s highly unprofessional to just leave like that, not to mention it’s rude, but I just had to get out of there. You have to understand, I’ve never had this problem before. This is what those men who all of the sudden develop impotency must feel like. All raring to go, only to find out something isn’t quite working. By something, I mean penis. Sorry, didn’t mean to offend, but you were looking at me kind of strange. I didn’t know if you needed me to spell it all out for you.

Every time I try to hear something it’s so quiet, it’s kind of scary. This is what it must feel like to be normal. I’ve never really had a reliable reference for that so I don’t know if that’s an accurate assumption but I know I don’t like it. All alone with nothing but your own thoughts. How does everyone get through the day?

I guess this is what they mean by the silence was deafening. Which is a curious statement because you would think that silence would have the complete opposite effect. I mean you always hear about all of those new age religions that teach about meditation. Talking about clearing your mind and hearing nothing but silence. Kind of a scary thought, don’t you think? I mean if you hear nothing but silence and you’re not thinking about anything, then how do you even know you’re alive?

Sorry, I’m rambling aren’t I? This whole thing has got me a little rattled, and I tend to ramble on when that happens. And truth be told, I’ve been rambling a lot lately. The spirits haven’t just now stopped talking to me. They’ve been getting harder to hear for some time now.

At first it was just something that happened occasionally, but as time went on it’s been getting increasingly harder to hear them at all. Then finally today, nothing at all.

Do you want to hear a disturbing thought? I keep thinking, maybe we’re the ones that are really dead and what I thought were the spirits are the ones that are still alive. We’re trapped in some sort of purgatory waiting to move on, only we don’t because we still think we’re alive, and the voices are just echo’s from a life that doesn’t exist anymore. Maybe that’s why it’s so silent, because the echo’s have finally faded, and there’s nothing left to hear.

I mean, I don’t know who the Johnson’s are and I don’t really care to be honest with you. But maybe they didn’t disappear at all, we did. They’re still in the land of the living and the people we thought were the Johnson’s were just memories that have finally faded away.

I guess it really doesn’t matter. It’s just, if them disappearing is a sign from the great beyond trying to clue us in. Then I have to say, it’s a really odd one. I mean, I’ll admit that I suck at picking up subtle hints but this seems a little too subtle. It would seem to me they would want to make something that important a little more obvious. I mean, shouldn’t there be a brilliant light that we should walk towards? Then again, maybe that’s just a story we tell ourselves to make the thought of moving on to the next life a little less scary. Maybe this is the real reality of what the afterlife is like. Just going through the day, trying to make sense of things, one step at a time. Maybe that’s the point though? We’re suppose to figure out things before we can move on. What those things are, I couldn’t tell you. Maybe that’s why I’m still here talking to you. Of course if you’re still here, then it means you’re in the same boat as me. Sorry, don’t pay any attention to me. Like I said before, I’m just rambling.

Hey, if you’re going back in, can you do me a favor? Can you tell everyone I’m done for today. No sense in wasting anymore of their time. I think it’s obviously I’m not going to get in contact with anyone today. Don’t worry about me, I just think I’m going to take a walk. Nice night tonight and maybe I can figure this all out. If not, I’ll just go home and make myself a nice cup of cocoa. I find everything is better after cocoa.

(She takes out a pack of cigarettes.)

I know I shouldn’t but after this day I-

(Opens her pack of cigarettes and notices that they’re empty.)

Well if that doesn’t beat all.

(Looks up to the sky.)

I really hope all of this wasn’t just your way of telling me I need to quit?

(Throws the pack away.)

Spirit, always with the subtle hints. Well, hopefully I’ll see you around, and if not it was nice to meet you. You have yourself a good night, you hear

(LYDIA walks off the stage singing “Walking after Midnight.)

I go out walking, after midnight. Out in the moonlight, like we used to do. I’m always walking, after midnight, searching for you.