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GNOMES WITH RED HATS

November 23, 2012 Leave a comment

GNOMES WITH RED HATS
By Jeff Folschinsky

They had lawn gnomes with red hats in their yard, so you just knew something bad had to have happen to them.

I mean I’m not exactly sure what happen to my neighbors but I know it couldn’t have been good. I mean lawn gnomes are creepy enough to begin with but for them to have red hats. Red is such a dubious color to begin with. It being the color of Satan and all, and for someone to make that their greeting for anyone coming to visit them. I shudder to think what became of that lovely family because of that bad decision, and they always seem like such level headed people.

I can’t imagine what they could have been thinking. I mean hadn’t they ever watch Star Trek or any of those other quasi-communistic shows? If you were wearing red you might as well have just painted a big bull’s-eye on your chest and hung out at the wrong end of a target range, and the weird thing is it’s not like they didn’t have options.

I don’t know why anyone would want a creepy little Satanic man with a goofy psychotic smile darkening there front lawn to begin with, but I know for a fact because I saw it on the home shopping network that lawn gnomes come with all kinds of hat colors. Blue, green, yellow and just last week I saw at the arts and crafts store one that was just plain white, so they could have painted it any old color they wanted.

So why with all these option would they choose red? It’s like announcing to the world, “Hey, whatever bad things are out there, come on in and get us!” I swear, it’s like giving a gun to a monkey. No matter what the reason you know someone is eventually going to get hurt.

Even the dog that belongs to my other neighbor, knew something wasn’t right about those creepy little Satanic red hatted bastards. Seeing it was going out of its way to avoid them. And between you and me, that dog was dumb as dirt. So if it knew something was wrong, then it had to be bad.

I just don’t know what in the world they could have been thinking, I really don’t, and I don’t ever remember those lawn gnomes being there in the first place. If I had noticed them I would have most certainly brought this obvious life threatening hazard to their attention.  Which leads me to believe that maybe they weren’t there before their disappearance?

I can’t say for sure and I’m not one for starting rumors, but I’m thinking maybe the husband got involved with people he shouldn’t have gotten involved with. And this is just those peoples way of telling everyone in the neighborhood that  hey, this is what happens when you mess with us. Like some sort of bizarre underworld calling card.

I hope that’s not the case, I really don’t but what other reason would there be for gnomes with red hats?

I have prayed to to the lord on high for answers but so far he has seen fit not to answer me, so I just don’t know, I just really don’t know. The one thing I can say with any certainty, is that when all the excitement dies down and no one is looking. I’ve got a hammer and I plan to smite those creepy red hat wearing Satanic bastards in his honor, and that’s all I really have to say about that.

THE END

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NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH

November 9, 2012 Leave a comment

NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH
By Jeff Folschinsky

Quispiam feteo in nostrum mediocris villa. Roughly translated, “something stinks in our fair village”.

Now, I have been the leader and sole member of the neighborhood watch ever since I opened our unofficial unsanctioned chapter of that great institution in our neighborhood last year. I am proud to say I’ve issued more safety alert flyers than any other neighborhood watch organization in our district. Some dissenting personalities may call it trashing up their property, I call it forced awareness to a potential problem.

Someone has to be the one that holds back the flood of anarchy from overtaking our fair neighborhood and despite what the police reports say I’ve never used unnecessary force. The tasering of Mr. Grossman’s dachshund for example was completely justified. If people don’t want me opening their back doors after they go to bed then they need to remember to lock them in the first place. We live in a rough world, so let’s try to use our heads and be safe people.

Now, to answer the accusation that crime has actually increased since I’ve started the neighborhood watch. Well, to that I would ask everyone to take Mr. Fields yearlong study with a grain of salt. There’s many ways to read those numbers and frankly Mr. Fields has had a vendetta against me ever since I had his van towed for blocking my driveway. Unfortunately I had no way of knowing Mrs. Fields was still in the van at the time, or the fact that she was in labor. Obviously my card congratulating him on the twins was not enough to smooth over the situation, as the biased nature of his well-documented report would clearly indicate.

I will admit that keeping a neighborhood such as ours safe is not an exact science and possibly mistakes have been made, but I don’t think anyone can call my devotion to its safety into account. So you can imagine my surprise when I heard of the situation with the Johnson’s. They’ve always been such a nice family; always safety conscious. Never had to enter their bedroom in the dead of night yelling, “THIS IS A ROBBERY”, to demonstrate the dangers of leaving your back door unlocked. Nope, that thing was locked every single time. So as you can imagine their disappearance is a little bit of a mystery to me.

I’ve heard several theories from people around the neighborhood. Some of which have implied that the family was involved in some dubious affairs. To which I say ridiculous. Why I have pictures right here that I took of them with my new high definition camera. The two youngest playing doctor with the family hamster, the oldest engaging in some sort of calisthenics exercise with his girlfriend behind the gym, and Mr. Johnson giving a C.P.R demonstration to the waitress from the local coffee shop while Mrs. Johnson is at work. Now that is the very model of the American family if I’ve ever seen one.

The camera is an official tool for the neighborhood watch by the way. It’s not like I enjoy using it in this manner but unfortunately my arch-nemesis has made it necessary. That’s right, you heard me correctly, arch-nemesis. I bet you didn’t see that in Mr. Field’s report did you. A person, I say person because my extensive investigation has not yet revealed if it’s a male or female that has been indeed haunting our happy community.

The perpetrator which I’ve named The Midnight Shadow because it sounds awesome and I’ve only seen their shadow so far. Has entered our unsuspecting community on numerous occasions, looking through our windows and trash which only I’m authorized to do by the way. I have taken a correspondence course in forensic science so only I am qualified to go through peoples disregarded personals in a professional manner, thank you very much. It’s not like any tom, dick or harry can get a C average on the free introductory course they were offering, so I’ll be damned if I’m going let some unqualified person rummage through people’s trash unchallenged.

Now, I’m not saying that these two incidents are related but all the facts seem to be pointing to a strong chance that they are. Whatever happened to The Johnson’s is obviously the mark of a professional and who can be more professional than The Midnight Shadow who has thus far eluded capture, despite my best efforts.

It seems obvious to me that The Midnight Shadow has found a weak point in my neighborhood security and has struck a fatal blow to the Johnson’s. A blemish that will forever live on my otherwise spotless record.

Not that our dear citizens have anything to fear. I have recently come into possession of some claymore antipersonnel mines and have strengthen the defensive perimeter of our homes. A word of warning concerning that. If you see a red x on the ground, please do not attempt to clean it up or let your dogs do their business in that immediate area until further notice.

With your cooperation, I am sure we will all get through this crisis and the stink of crime will forever be lifted from our fair village. Sane somi carum villa, roughly translated, sleep soundly dear village. Thank you very much.

THE END