By Jeff Folschinsky

Quispiam feteo in nostrum mediocris villa. Roughly translated, “something stinks in our fair village”.

Now, I have been the leader and sole member of the neighborhood watch ever since I opened our unofficial unsanctioned chapter of that great institution in our neighborhood last year. I am proud to say I’ve issued more safety alert flyers than any other neighborhood watch organization in our district. Some dissenting personalities may call it trashing up their property, I call it forced awareness to a potential problem.

Someone has to be the one that holds back the flood of anarchy from overtaking our fair neighborhood and despite what the police reports say I’ve never used unnecessary force. The tasering of Mr. Grossman’s dachshund for example was completely justified. If people don’t want me opening their back doors after they go to bed then they need to remember to lock them in the first place. We live in a rough world, so let’s try to use our heads and be safe people.

Now, to answer the accusation that crime has actually increased since I’ve started the neighborhood watch. Well, to that I would ask everyone to take Mr. Fields yearlong study with a grain of salt. There’s many ways to read those numbers and frankly Mr. Fields has had a vendetta against me ever since I had his van towed for blocking my driveway. Unfortunately I had no way of knowing Mrs. Fields was still in the van at the time, or the fact that she was in labor. Obviously my card congratulating him on the twins was not enough to smooth over the situation, as the biased nature of his well-documented report would clearly indicate.

I will admit that keeping a neighborhood such as ours safe is not an exact science and possibly mistakes have been made, but I don’t think anyone can call my devotion to its safety into account. So you can imagine my surprise when I heard of the situation with the Johnson’s. They’ve always been such a nice family; always safety conscious. Never had to enter their bedroom in the dead of night yelling, “THIS IS A ROBBERY”, to demonstrate the dangers of leaving your back door unlocked. Nope, that thing was locked every single time. So as you can imagine their disappearance is a little bit of a mystery to me.

I’ve heard several theories from people around the neighborhood. Some of which have implied that the family was involved in some dubious affairs. To which I say ridiculous. Why I have pictures right here that I took of them with my new high definition camera. The two youngest playing doctor with the family hamster, the oldest engaging in some sort of calisthenics exercise with his girlfriend behind the gym, and Mr. Johnson giving a C.P.R demonstration to the waitress from the local coffee shop while Mrs. Johnson is at work. Now that is the very model of the American family if I’ve ever seen one.

The camera is an official tool for the neighborhood watch by the way. It’s not like I enjoy using it in this manner but unfortunately my arch-nemesis has made it necessary. That’s right, you heard me correctly, arch-nemesis. I bet you didn’t see that in Mr. Field’s report did you. A person, I say person because my extensive investigation has not yet revealed if it’s a male or female that has been indeed haunting our happy community.

The perpetrator which I’ve named The Midnight Shadow because it sounds awesome and I’ve only seen their shadow so far. Has entered our unsuspecting community on numerous occasions, looking through our windows and trash which only I’m authorized to do by the way. I have taken a correspondence course in forensic science so only I am qualified to go through peoples disregarded personals in a professional manner, thank you very much. It’s not like any tom, dick or harry can get a C average on the free introductory course they were offering, so I’ll be damned if I’m going let some unqualified person rummage through people’s trash unchallenged.

Now, I’m not saying that these two incidents are related but all the facts seem to be pointing to a strong chance that they are. Whatever happened to The Johnson’s is obviously the mark of a professional and who can be more professional than The Midnight Shadow who has thus far eluded capture, despite my best efforts.

It seems obvious to me that The Midnight Shadow has found a weak point in my neighborhood security and has struck a fatal blow to the Johnson’s. A blemish that will forever live on my otherwise spotless record.

Not that our dear citizens have anything to fear. I have recently come into possession of some claymore antipersonnel mines and have strengthen the defensive perimeter of our homes. A word of warning concerning that. If you see a red x on the ground, please do not attempt to clean it up or let your dogs do their business in that immediate area until further notice.

With your cooperation, I am sure we will all get through this crisis and the stink of crime will forever be lifted from our fair village. Sane somi carum villa, roughly translated, sleep soundly dear village. Thank you very much.


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