Home > Short Story > GNOMES WITH RED HATS


By Jeff Folschinsky

They had lawn gnomes with red hats in their yard, so you just knew something bad had to have happen to them.

I mean I’m not exactly sure what happen to my neighbors but I know it couldn’t have been good. I mean lawn gnomes are creepy enough to begin with but for them to have red hats. Red is such a dubious color to begin with. It being the color of Satan and all, and for someone to make that their greeting for anyone coming to visit them. I shudder to think what became of that lovely family because of that bad decision, and they always seem like such level headed people.

I can’t imagine what they could have been thinking. I mean hadn’t they ever watch Star Trek or any of those other quasi-communistic shows? If you were wearing red you might as well have just painted a big bull’s-eye on your chest and hung out at the wrong end of a target range, and the weird thing is it’s not like they didn’t have options.

I don’t know why anyone would want a creepy little Satanic man with a goofy psychotic smile darkening there front lawn to begin with, but I know for a fact because I saw it on the home shopping network that lawn gnomes come with all kinds of hat colors. Blue, green, yellow and just last week I saw at the arts and crafts store one that was just plain white, so they could have painted it any old color they wanted.

So why with all these option would they choose red? It’s like announcing to the world, “Hey, whatever bad things are out there, come on in and get us!” I swear, it’s like giving a gun to a monkey. No matter what the reason you know someone is eventually going to get hurt.

Even the dog that belongs to my other neighbor, knew something wasn’t right about those creepy little Satanic red hatted bastards. Seeing it was going out of its way to avoid them. And between you and me, that dog was dumb as dirt. So if it knew something was wrong, then it had to be bad.

I just don’t know what in the world they could have been thinking, I really don’t, and I don’t ever remember those lawn gnomes being there in the first place. If I had noticed them I would have most certainly brought this obvious life threatening hazard to their attention.  Which leads me to believe that maybe they weren’t there before their disappearance?

I can’t say for sure and I’m not one for starting rumors, but I’m thinking maybe the husband got involved with people he shouldn’t have gotten involved with. And this is just those peoples way of telling everyone in the neighborhood that  hey, this is what happens when you mess with us. Like some sort of bizarre underworld calling card.

I hope that’s not the case, I really don’t but what other reason would there be for gnomes with red hats?

I have prayed to to the lord on high for answers but so far he has seen fit not to answer me, so I just don’t know, I just really don’t know. The one thing I can say with any certainty, is that when all the excitement dies down and no one is looking. I’ve got a hammer and I plan to smite those creepy red hat wearing Satanic bastards in his honor, and that’s all I really have to say about that.


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