Home > Short Story > Transcript of Santa Claus’s Retirement Speech

Transcript of Santa Claus’s Retirement Speech

Transcript of Santa Claus’s Retirement Speechimages

Oh would everyone just shut the hell up! If I hear anymore of this fake sentimental crap I think I’m going to shoot someone and don’t think I can’t do it. If I can get toys to every kid in the world over night than you better be sure I can get my hands of a forty five, so everyone better watch their Butts.

Now, there’s been a lot of rumors about why I’m retiring after so many years. A lot of you think I’m being forced out by Hallmark who has a hard on for the Easter bunny.

That couldn’t be further from the truth. But how the hell they think that little pink heroine addict can take my place is beyond me. That’s right, I said it, your precious Easter Bunny likes chasing white rabbits, if you take my meaning? Huh, huh, oh well, I guess none of you people ever listened to Jefferson Airplane.

The simple truth is that I’m leaving because I need to spend more time with my primary business; being Satan. That’s right, I’m the devil. Satan, Santa, Santa, Satan, I’m really quite surprised no one’s figured it out before now. You people are really dense if you ask me.

Honestly, this whole Christmas gift giving thing was a PR stunt. Who knew it was going to take off the way it did? Not me, that’s for sure. The whole thing’s gotten out of control though and I think it’s time for some one else to get in the hot seat, so to speak.

So as I raise my glass I want to leave whoever takes my position with this final thought. Don’t ever develop a taste for venison, that sleigh is one heavy son of a bitch to push.

So in conclusion I just want to say to everyone. Merry Christmas to all and I’ll see you in hell really soon. Good night!

Transcript Ends

  1. December 7, 2012 at 10:50 am

    Ha ha ha~ I remember this! Hilarious!

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