Archive for March, 2014

The Unhonorable Juice Box Controversy

March 16, 2014 Leave a comment

apple_juice_box1It was my juice box. Why is everyone so baffled by that concept? It was mine, not anyone else’s, mine. Given to me by the big man himself. Walter Wilkins, Founder and CEO of Happy AmazoLand Theme Park and Juice Farms.

It took five years for me to be presented with my honorary juice box, and for her to just walk in and drink it. Well, words just don’t describe that kind of injustice.

And for her to be so blasé about it, “Oh, I’m sorry; was that yours? It was really hot outside and I was thirsty.”

Yeah, that was her excuse for this atrocity. It was really hot outside, and she was thirsty. Can you believe that?

People only get presented with honorary juice boxes every once in a blue moon, and for Walter Wilkins himself to present it to you. Well that’s an honor that very few people have ever received. It means that you really have done something to make yourself noticed.

Not that my new accounting database that I implemented was going to save lives or anything. But it did make entering receipts more efficient and more importantly, cost effective. Which for people in Accounts Payable like myself, is really pretty cool.

Could you imagine my surprise though, when Mr Wilkins showed up in my department, carrying a juice box no less, and not just any juice box, but “the” juice box. A juice box made with the juice of the fruit that Mr. Wilkins himself picked and juiced. Said to be the most delicious fruit of the entire orchard of the entire growing season. Very few people have tasted it, but those that have, claimed it was like drinking heaven in a box.

Heaven in a box I tell you, and she drank it. My heaven in a box went down that woman’s throat, and she didn’t even care.

My friend Elaine tried to defuse the situation, by reminding me, “sweetie, she doesn’t know any better, she’s only a seasonal employee.” Like that was any kind of excuse.

Every employee that works for Happy AmazoLand Theme Park and Juice Farms should know from the time they’re hired, that a juice box being presented by the Founder and CEO of Happy AmazoLand Theme Park and Juice Farms is sacred. It is something bigger than them and it shouldn’t be messed with, regardless of how hot and thirsty they are. I mean, am I alone in this thinking, or has society finally falling into total chaos, and we’re all now living like savages? If this is any indication, then unfortunately the answer is yes, yes we are. And if that’s the case, then clearly the rules that govern polite society no longer apply. Life as we knew it was crumbling before my eyes, so clearly this woman had to go.

I could not stand by and watch the world around me crumble to pieces because this woman could not control her base urges.

And that’s why the next day I spiked her juice box with LSD.

Well, it was supposed to be her juice box anyway.

Let me explain.

After all my careful planning the night before, going to my sleazy cousins place and getting the drugs, carefully mixing them into the juice, and putting it back into the juice box so it would look like a brand new unopened box. Coming up with supporting evidence that made her look like a serious drug addict. Which most certainly would have been the case if she drank that spiked juice box and made a fool of herself? After all this careful planning, I had completely forgotten about Herald Bruemire’s surprise retirement party.

Nothing really big, just something that a few people from my department threw together, but unbeknownst to me because they didn’t have money for refreshments, a few resourceful ladies in the office went around collecting all the juice boxes that they could find, and poured them all into a big punch bowl. This unfortunately included mine which I foolishly left out on my desk. Which in hindsight I know was kind of stupid but again, it was my juice box; why would anyone take it?

Obviously the barbaric ways of the lady juice box thief from the day before had finally infected everyone else at Happy AmazoLand Theme Park and Juice Farms? I unfortunately hadn’t realized what had happened at first, but quickly figured it out when Mrs. Johansen declared herself High priestess of Accounts Payable, and you know the scary thing about that? Before everyone came back to their right mind, she actually gathered quite a few followers. Of course that probably wasn’t too hard with everyone else convinced that bugs were crawling all over them, and the people sitting in the corner just staring at their hands, probably didn’t need any convincing at all. I think it’s what people in the drug community called a, “bad trip.”

Well, when things calmed down and the police showed up, I felt it was my duty as a responsible employee of Happy AmazoLand Theme Park and Juice Farms to admit what had happened. Not at first mind you, but when the evidence started to pile up, it seemed like the prudent thing to do. This is why I’m in front of you nice detectives here now, telling my story in this lovely Police Station.

You want to know what the real kicker is. That juice box thief wasn’t even there that day. She had decided the hot summers at Happy AmazoLand Theme Park and Juice Farms was too harsh for her, so she didn’t even bother to show up again. She just left a message saying she wasn’t ever coming back. I don’t even believe she even apologize for her abrupt departure; if you can believe that? I swear I don’t know what this world is coming to. It truly is becoming a scary place.


The End