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Archive for October, 2015

Musings of a Drunken @#$hole #1

October 26, 2015 Leave a comment
Glass of whiskey and ice isolated on white background

Here’s one for you.

See the corporate clown at the end of the bar? Well, he just fired someone today. How do I know? Because he’s drinking a Gin and Tonic. Gin and Tonics are always the preferred drink of clowns after they’ve stained their soul with one misdeed or another. They drink it down and smile afterwards, likes they just ingested some kind of liquid absolution.

To them, it’s as if the Gin and Tonic washes their stain clean away. Nothing more than waste waiting to be pissed out of their system, flushed away, and never to be thought of again.

I see a lot of clowns come through here. Each holding their drink, each with that stupid clown smile of theirs. Each believing they’re king of their own little clown universe.

Oh how I pity them.

I pity them because they are clowns, clowns worshipping at the alter of their corporate clown god. Who watches over them and laughs from on high. Laughs because he knowns the truth.

That no matter how hard the clown tries, no matter how many successes the clown might have, no matter how many other clowns they might push out of their way, in the end, no matter how much the clown aspires to be more what he currently is — well in the end he’ll always be nothing more than what his corporate clown god wants him to be, a clown.

And a clowns only real duty is to be amusing for his lord and master, so the clown dances his little dance and does his little routine. Day in and day out, and at the end of the day they end up here. Drinking their Gin and Tonics, like all the other good clowns.

I look around and see the clown I might have become, and thank the good lord that I never developed a taste for Gin and Tonic.

I look around and thank the good lord he made me a bourbon man. A bourbon man who’s in need of a refill.

The Ticking Of My Heart

October 16, 2015 Leave a comment

Eclectic Voices

Old clock close up view

Part of the Halloween Issue 2015

By Jeff Folschinsky 

She could hear the ticking of the pocket watch. Like the unending heartbeat, it’s gears moved along, pulsating with life. Life that its owner no longer had. Life that the woman holding it had taken. A moment of insanity on her part, one she would forever regret. At the time though, she felt that she hadn’t had a choice. Like a part in a play she were merely acting out. A play she was attempting to now write as she sat in front of her keyboard.

Everything seemed like a dream though, and she couldn’t concentrate. She just sat in front of the computer and stared at the blank screen. Rubbing her thumb seductively over the front of the pocket watch. Every once in awhile clicking the button, so the front of it would open up. Only to close it again…

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Project Runway, To Hell

October 2, 2015 Leave a comment

Fire2I swear, it was the darnedest thing you ever did see. My Aunt Irene had always had a little bit of a competitive streak. Especially when it came to dealing with Lulu-belle, the owner of the Beauty and Tanning Salon Emporium in town.

You see, Aunt Irene, was the proud owner of Irene’s Beauty City, located just outside of town. The reason it was called Beauty City was because the area it was located on was technically an unincorporated town, so according to Aunt Irene it was its own city where Beauty reigns supreme, and to her credit, it did reign supreme until Lulu-belle Johansson decided to open up her own beauty shop, challenging Aunt Irene’s monopoly.

Lulu-belle tried to get a leg up on Aunt Irene by adding the whole tanning bed gimmick. Which nobody really understood, because in the country everybody spent enough time outside to get a tan just fine without the help of some machine. Which  if you ask me, really never worked correctly to begin with, because the few people that did use the darn thing, came out looking whiter than when they went in. Despite this though, her shop was located at the center of town, so the convenience of it won a lot of people over.

Aunt Irene tried to counter this by using guilt tactics to insure her regulars, stayed regulars. After a while though, it became obvious that convenience was winning out over quality. Now, I’m not sure about the quality thing because I never had my hair done by Aunt Irene, but she was adamant about her superior skills as a beautician. Something she would tell everyone at length about when the subject came up, and she made sure as heck it came up as often as possible.

I think that’s where the idea of this whole contest came from. Somebody, probably my Uncle Todd, who was always a little bit of a trouble maker, told her, “Okay then, prove it?” And like that, a challenge was issued to Lulu-belle. It was like one of those old fashion duels except instead of swords or pistols, there would be blow dryers and curling irons. Okay, this might not seem like much to you, but out in the country, this had us all on the end of our seats.

I honestly thought they would just gussy a couple of people up, we would weigh in our opinion and that would be that. Those two went back and forth though, bickering about favoritism amongst townsfolk, so someone suggested a three person judging panel. Where there would be three people judging, one picked by Aunt Irene, the other by Lulu-belle and a third neutral judge. Which was surprisingly helpful but I suspect whoever mentioned it was just sick of hearing about the whole thing and just wanted it to go away.

Both Aunt Irene and Lulu-Belle picked their most trusted customers and both agreed that Mayor  Williams was the neutral judge. Mayor Williams seemed like a logical choice because he was known for his fashion sense. Maybe just a little bit too much if you know what I mean, but hey, to each his own as I always say.

Now, as strange as it sounds, I blame the show Project Runway for what happened next. I guess Aunt Irene and Lulu-belle were religious watchers, and wanted to do that with hairdos. They probably figured this was their time to shine.  So they both agreed to chipped in and have an actual runway built in the lobby of Town Hall.

It really was amazing the lengths they were going to, to outdo each other and both were convinced that the other had people spying on them. Aunt Irene herself must have changed models three times until she ended up using my sister Claire. Who, to not speak bad of family, but really had more tattoos than sense, and I’m pretty sure it was Claire that persuaded Aunt Irene to use that snake in her hairdo. Claire is a self professed herpetologist. Which is the study of snakes and not the Tom Cruise Church thing like I originally thought it was. Claire and Aunt Irene were really proud of themselves when Claire was revealed walking down the aisle with that python slithering in and out of her hair. The mayor called it inspiring, but it honestly scared the heck out of me.

It was impressive though, and I was sure they had it in the bag, until Lulu-belle revealed her creation. Now whether they really were spying on each other, or they both watch the same episode of Project Runway for inspiration I couldn’t say. All I know, is when Lulu-belle’s niece Francine walked out on that runway with two ferrets coming out of her hair, all you-know-what broke loose.

The snake in Claire’s hairdo went after the ferrets in Francine’s. The two hairdo’s then became locked in mortal combat. Myself and a couple of other people jumped on stage and tried to pull them apart, but it wasn’t until the fire department showed up with some sort of crowbar looking thing did we actually force them apart.

The mayor fearing bad press, condemned the whole thing and had the sheriff arrest everybody, but the D.A. didn’t know what to do with that case, so nothing really came of that. The Mayor did threaten to take their business licenses away, so they had to promise to never do anything like that again, which they gladly did.

You want to know the ironic thing that came out of all this was? Aunt Irene and Lulu-belle were so impressed by each other they decided to join forces and open up Lulu-belle and Irene’s High Fashion Emporium and Tanning Salon. Isn’t that the darnedest thing?  Oh, and just in case you’re wondering, the tanning bed still doesn’t work.