GNOMES WITH RED HATS

GNOMES WITH RED HATS
By Jeff Folschinsky

They had lawn gnomes with red hats in their yard, so you just knew something bad had to have happen to them.

I mean I’m not exactly sure what happen to my neighbors but I know it couldn’t have been good. I mean lawn gnomes are creepy enough to begin with but for them to have red hats. Red is such a dubious color to begin with. It being the color of Satan and all, and for someone to make that their greeting for anyone coming to visit them. I shudder to think what became of that lovely family because of that bad decision, and they always seem like such level headed people.

I can’t imagine what they could have been thinking. I mean hadn’t they ever watch Star Trek or any of those other quasi-communistic shows? If you were wearing red you might as well have just painted a big bull’s-eye on your chest and hung out at the wrong end of a target range, and the weird thing is it’s not like they didn’t have options.

I don’t know why anyone would want a creepy little Satanic man with a goofy psychotic smile darkening there front lawn to begin with, but I know for a fact because I saw it on the home shopping network that lawn gnomes come with all kinds of hat colors. Blue, green, yellow and just last week I saw at the arts and crafts store one that was just plain white, so they could have painted it any old color they wanted.

So why with all these option would they choose red? It’s like announcing to the world, “Hey, whatever bad things are out there, come on in and get us!” I swear, it’s like giving a gun to a monkey. No matter what the reason you know someone is eventually going to get hurt.

Even the dog that belongs to my other neighbor, knew something wasn’t right about those creepy little Satanic red hatted bastards. Seeing it was going out of its way to avoid them. And between you and me, that dog was dumb as dirt. So if it knew something was wrong, then it had to be bad.

I just don’t know what in the world they could have been thinking, I really don’t, and I don’t ever remember those lawn gnomes being there in the first place. If I had noticed them I would have most certainly brought this obvious life threatening hazard to their attention.  Which leads me to believe that maybe they weren’t there before their disappearance?

I can’t say for sure and I’m not one for starting rumors, but I’m thinking maybe the husband got involved with people he shouldn’t have gotten involved with. And this is just those peoples way of telling everyone in the neighborhood that  hey, this is what happens when you mess with us. Like some sort of bizarre underworld calling card.

I hope that’s not the case, I really don’t but what other reason would there be for gnomes with red hats?

I have prayed to to the lord on high for answers but so far he has seen fit not to answer me, so I just don’t know, I just really don’t know. The one thing I can say with any certainty, is that when all the excitement dies down and no one is looking. I’ve got a hammer and I plan to smite those creepy red hat wearing Satanic bastards in his honor, and that’s all I really have to say about that.

THE END

Madam Lydia (Part 1)

MADAM LYDIA
By Jeff Folschinsky

Madam Lydia, as played by the very talented Taylor Ashbrook.

Great spirits from beyond, hear me calling.

(Madam Lydia starts coughing.)

Bring me the answers from the great beyond.

(Madam Lydia starts coughing again.)

Crap, I’ve got to stop smoking.  I had stopped for about five years, believe it or not. Then last week I was at a party and someone offered me one, and then all of the sudden I was puffing away like I never stopped. I think it’s the stress of the job that’s getting to me. Speaking to the spirits use to be a whole lot more easy. I’ve noticed since I’ve raised my prices that it’s gotten harder. I don’t know if it’s because I’m putting more pressure on myself to perform, or the spirits think I’m getting greedy.

I remember when I first got this gift, I was all about helping the decease find peace and moving on free of charge. Which really gave me a warm fuzzy feeling, but that was when it was just once in a while. I guess word got around and before I knew it, I’ve got one dead jerk after another chattering away in my ear twenty four seven. Sorry, let me take that back, they’re not jerks. Except for the whole dead thing, most of them are really enjoyable to be around. Every once in a while you get some spirit that thinks they’re god’s gift to the great beyond but I can usually just tune them out.

The problem is when you have such of large volume of spirits looking for help it’s hard to do anything else. I mean, it’s kind of hard to hold down a job with voices constantly chattering away in your ear. So finally I was like okay everyone, if you want my help then I need a little something in return. After all, I have to make a living.

I know what you’re thinking. That look on your face says it all. You’re thinking, Lydia, they’re ghosts; how the hell can they pay for anything? To which I say; you’d be surprised.

The thing about dying, is it always catches you with your pants down. I mean even when you know it’s coming, it manages to get you when you’re least ready for it. Nine times out of ten people are still in their denial phase when old man time comes a knocking. So as you can imagine their financial affairs are nowhere near being in order. That’s where I come in. For a finder’s fee I help them relay to their love ones information that they need. Account numbers and passcodes to bank accounts, you know, that kind of stuff. If a ghost doesn’t have any money I usually do a favor for a favor kind of situation. That’s how I can help out the police like I’m trying to do now. A ghost owes me a favor, I call in that favor and they get me the answers I’m looking for, usually.

Lately the spirits are becoming less enthusiastic about our arrangement, especially since I’ve raised my prices. I keep telling them, hey, it’s not like a have a choice with the economy being the way it is, but they don’t see it that way for some reason. I think it’s because they don’t have any financial responsibilities anymore. Which is great for them but I still have to make rent.

By the way, did it seem like the boys in blue in there were cool with my new fee? When I mentioned it everybody just nodded their heads up and down like they were a bunch of bobble-heads. I’m not saying that to be derogatory, I just want to make sure I have an understanding with them. Not that they’re untrustworthy but with the government being what it is now and days, you can’t be too careful.

All I’m saying is it doesn’t hurt to make sure that everybody’s clear on the issue at hand. Like, am I going to get paid? You think so, great, so who did they say these people were again? No I shouldn’t know that. I’m not a psychic for crying out loud, I’m a medium. Yes, there is a difference. I talk with spirits from the great beyond and psychics- Well, I’m not really sure what they do to be honest. I don’t really hang out with psychics since they give me the creeps. Well maybe that is the pot calling the kettle black but that’s just the way I feel okay?

Anyway the point I’m trying to make is that I have to know what to ask the spirits if you want any kind of cohesive answers. It’s not like I can play twenty questions with them. Especially since these people have been missing for what seems like forever. I can only push that favor they owe me so far you know.

I guess the police are officially becoming desperate. I know this because I’m here. They only call me in when they start getting desperate. I always tell them that I can be of more help if they call me in earlier but they never seem to do it. Oh well, better late than never I guess. Okay then, so what’s their name, the Johnson’s? Okay, well let’s get started then. Great spirits from-

(Madam Lydia starts coughing again.)

Something must be up with the air quality in here. I’m going to take a quick fifteen so I can grab a smoke. Tell everyone not to worry, I’ll be back in a jiff.

(MADAM LYDIA is coughing as she exits.)

END OF PART 1

Monologue performed June 1, 2012 as part of ECT’s Eclectic Voices Show, “The Theory of Silence”. Madam Lydia was played by Taylor Ashbrook.

Click Here To Hear Performance.